SW:TOR Bounty Hunter fanfiction: When I Wake
by EverSteam
Summary: Set at the end of Chapter 1 to beyond Chapter 3 Contains much original content and loosely follows the game story. The original content effects the actions of the BH as she has a past that won't leave her be and more than herself to run from in a race against time. Will she be able to let go of revenge and the past to be with the blonde Mando? Please read and feel free to review. :
1. Chapter 1

**When I Wake**

**Prolouge**

I was cleaning my armour when he calls.

Despite my best efforts, the blood from my earlier interrogations had dried on. The Captain had taken longer than I expected. He had wiped the terminal when he heard me massacring the troops and coming his way, so it was back to old fashioned methods. Eventually, he told me the location of the covert Republic base here. And the security codes. Didn't need him after that. Suppose I could say I gave him a clean death at the end, only I had made too much of a mess of him in the three hours earlier.

Would have gone after the bounty straight away but it's day outside and dried blood is harder to clean off then wet. I'll go after the target at dusk. Isn't more than two clicks from here. I look around at where 'here' is as I search for my holo. The cave is dark and a little damp; it seethes through the bottom of the tent like a poison. I don't mind. I'm at the back of the cave, traps set all down the cave from the opening to here. Nothing will make it to me alive.

This bounty shouldn't be too hard. These bounties are a waste of my talents. But I suppose I need to prove myself good enough for the Great Hunt somehow. Hope they are good enough to attract attention. And I was in the area anyway. Had some personal business to take care of. I'll hit the underground base tomorrow night.

I accept the call. The tiny, blue flittering figure that appears is a man. He's middle aged. Human. Bald with hard creases around his mouth. Still in rather good shape, otherwise.

'So do you want in? I have a team ready; we only need a hunter.'

Guy said his name was Braden. Suits him. He has a team ready for the Great Hunt and wants me to be their hunter. Opportunity I'd been waiting for. Not much else suits my talents but hunting. Guess I also want to prove I can do it on my own: my targets, my rules and my money. Don't know why it should matter, though. General's dead. And I've been killing for ten years, so capability to kill is proven. So I suppose I just want to burn my name through the stars as a warning to the Republic of what is to come.

This is the twelfth planet in the five months. But I don't want to be an unknown force to most of the galaxy, unheard of to those who aren't in the Organisation. I want fame. I want the galaxy to know who burns their Empire and Republic. I want them to despise themselves for the monster they created; the beast their leaders, soldiers and scientists crafted and fashioned.

I want to make this galaxy as ugly as I am; to shatter and break their charade of beauty, of justice and of good. And then I want them to beg for mercy. No one deserves to live.

_The prisoner begged in between screams. They continue when I stop. I decided to change tools. Tired of this one. Need something smaller to get the teeth at the back. _

_When I approach her again, she thrashes; head wildly shaking from side to side; her hair slaps her in the face, making her eyes tear more. Her cocoa irises are surrounded by blood shot white. They are wild and insane now, all sense of sanity and peace removed like a splinter from a foot. I clamp her mouth open and tighten the strap around her forehead. I begin filing her back teeth into small, sharp points. Her agonised screams are merely frenzied gurgles._

_Hours later, when all her teeth are tiny pointed, perfect pyramids and I am satisfied with the job, I remove the clamp. I loosen the strap around her head by a few centimetres. I return it to the work bench and pick up a thin long metal rod. The point at the end is sharp. _

_My footsteps reverberate in the damp concrete room. The echoes create echoes until it is nothing but an undefinable noise. All else is silent. She has screamed her throat raw. Her breathing is nothing but a haggard gasping thing._

_I walk to the corner and pick up the small wooden stool. I drag it over and put it close in front of her. She watches me with suspicious, tired eyes. I hold up the long needle and test the point on my finger. No blood appears, despite it being far under the surface._

_'Do you know what this does?' She tries to speak but as her tongue touches her teeth she makes a high pitched wail. I smirk. Guess I did make them sharp enough after all. 'Do you want to find out?'_

_She shakes her head as well as she can._

_I tell her anyway. There is too much life in her eyes. 'You know, this is actually my favourite. We all have favourites here, you know. Most in the Organisation don't like the common torture droids. Too impersonal, though some like to watch. And let's face it, droids really are just for amateurs. Even the most advanced droids just doesn't have the same touch or feel as a real person. We like our prisoners to know that we are giving them our special, undiverted attention.' _

_I leer at her and continue as she begins to sob. 'Like right now and for the past ten hours. Haven't you felt special? Hasn't no one else ever paid you this much attention? Don't you feel like I understand your pain and am listening closing to your complaints?'_

_I frown at her lack of reply and consider hitting her as she continues to cry. But I reject that, and continue. 'Some like electrocution, other's the old fashioned cutting slow; some like to make people hang from hands and legs for days on end, other's like to feed people boiling water or food with too much pepper and salt after they had spent hours cutting and scorching the inside of their mouths and sometimes removing all the prisoners teeth. But I like this simple needle. There's so much you can do with it. Do you know how many things?'_

_She doesn't move. And she doesn't look at me. So I slap her hard on the face, her teeth cutting the inside of her cheeks. She dribbles blood. 'It's rude to not look at someone when there talking to you.' I hit her again. 'It's rude to not answer a person when they are speaking to you.' I hold her neck in my hand and squeeze. My steel grey eye is a dagger that stares into her, cutting her soul and leaving it in bloody, long strips. 'So answer my question, please.'_

_She looks into my eye with an exhausted loathing. 'I don't know.'_

_I nod and let go of her neck. 'Good girl. The only limits to it is your imagination.' I lean in closer to her and speak in a fervent, conspiring whisper. 'And I have a very good imagination.' I lean back again. 'Do you want to me to show you some of the things it has come up with?'_

_She shakes her head, the movement turning into a spasm that brings short, squeaking coughs._

_'No? So you are ready to talk?'_

_She nods her head. She is silent. She spits out some blood, but it falls short and dribbles her chin, joining the rest. Dignity doesn't exist in this place. Hard to retain some when sitting in your own shit and piss._

_'Good. Start by telling me...'_

'You got yourself a hunter. Just tell me where.'

Braden smiles. It's relieved. 'Hutta. Great Hunt starts in two months. When can we expect you?'

'Be there in three weeks. Got a few things to wrap up here.'

He frowns a little. 'Can't be sooner? Cutting it a little close.'

'I like it close.' I hang up.

_Great Hunt, huh?_ Opportunity all bounty hunters and most Mandalorians want. It's an annual tournament held by Mando's to determine the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy. All targets are high profile and hard to get. Each target has two bounty hunters going after it. Hunters must eliminate the competition and the target. Failure to do so is death. The victor receives wealth and fame. Both mean little to me.

I live for revenge. I hate this galaxy. And I just like a challenge.

I hum as I clean the blood off my armour. _Everything according to plan._


	2. Chapter 2

There's always confusion when you wake up from a deep sleep. Sometimes, the dreams are so genuine, you find it hard to believe the world you suddenly see is real. There is uncertainty. The dream still lingers, and you feel that as it slips away, you are losing something important.

You can't remember what that thing is. Only that you want it back. And it has left a hard, cold sadness, an overwhelming weeping pain in its place that spreads through your body.

This is your reality.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dromund Kaas - seven months later  
**

Today is my day.

When I wake, I leave Gault lying on the couch. Not out of kindness. I don't remember sleeping in the makeshift rec room. I have distinct memories of going to my own room. I shake it away. I feel something close to giddiness. And it makes me want to enjoy this morning on my own. I put on some simple woven shirt. It's old and faded. I polish my armour for the occasion. Black. Shining with points like stars, red highlighting the shoulders. It glistens. I almost hum.

_He smiles. 'You are a born killer. I will train you to become the greatest assassin. Innocent and heartless.' Always smiling. My cell is cold._

I do my routine workout. It forces other thoughts from my mind. Gault wakes up half way through my push ups. He mumbles something about 'no breakfast in bed' and winces at the lights in the ship. Mako runs down from her room, half dressed and still wet from the shower. All excited and jabbering to herself. I continue my work out.

I put on my armour. For such a small ship, it's easy to get lost in. _Thank God. _I grab something that I think is meant to be green from the galley and walk to the exit, eating noiselessly. Mako's already there, practically jumping on the spot.

'Today's the big day!' She prattles on about that father/mentor guy of hers, Braden, being proud. He was killed a few days after I arrived by the leading Mando opposition, Tarro Blood, before the Hunt even began. Tarro died just like all the other competition despite his dirty, honourless tricks to stop me. I made that f***er bleed. Righteous revenge really is sweet.

I listen silently to her constant stream of crap. She doesn't need to know I couldn't give a f*** about Braden.

The travel across Dromund Kass is long.

The cherry paint on my armour shines like wet blood in the lights of the stadium. _It might actually be old blood with polish over the top..._ The Mandalorians stand at ceremony. An odd event. The stadium is large, set in the arena where I fought for a place in the Great Hunt. A place in history. _Easy._ I knew I could get here. But now that I am...

I sink in the moment. They are in straight lines. Parallel. Backs straight and chests out. Trees in an orchard along the path I walk to claim my glory. My footsteps echo. Loud and deafening. Their faces are shrouded in cold metal helmets. Identical trees.

All except one.

He has hair like golden threads. He is young. And gorgeous. His eyes are watchful and open. They follow my course while others look sightlessly to the ceiling. All at attention yet none aware. I nod to him. He bows his head. Something drops into my chest at that moment. Something old and familiar. Something terrifying. I feel fear.

_I rasp my knuckles on the steel door. _

_'It's ready to talk.' The Guard on the other side opens the door for me. On the other side, the light is fluorescent. It makes the white, spotless walls shine brighter. I take the bottle he passes to me and scull it down as he contacts the General. 'How long till the General arrives?'_

_'Not for another hour or two, Ma'am.' With the General, that basically means immediately. He just doesn't want people to think that when they call, he comes running. _Fucking proud arse. _Have to remember to wrench that conceited dignity from him before I kill him. I crush the steel bottle in my hand and sneer fiercely. Soon. Soon._

_The Guard takes the empty, crushed bottle back with a shaking hand. I don't know this Guard. He's clearly new. He's in the Organisation armour; black cowl with eye slits and a durasteel cap with full body black armour. He has a blaster rifle and two small blaster pistols, plus two rockets in his wrist guards. A number is on left shoulder pad in silver: 579._

_'You new? Where's Jakob?' Jakob's one of the three Guards for this cell who had the number 579._

_The Guard looks uncomfortable. He's young. Far too young. Close to my age. Barely old enough to shave. 'He spoke out against orders, Ma'am. I'm his replacement.'_

_'What's your name kid?'_

_He stares at my implants. I only wear a black tank top with black leather pants. Not sure it could really pass as even a tank top; it's more a second, silk bra. General encourages me showing off the things on me with pride. Good at the showing but lacking on the pride. Loving the fear though. His petrified gaze makes me a aware of the blood that covers my body; spots of crimson I wear with conceit. I leer at him. I give him three weeks, max._

_'Willis.' He stutters the word out; it is a fly that bangs against a window before finding the gap to freedom. 'Willis Gord.'_

_I laugh. 'Unfortunate name you got, kid. Sounds like you were destined for this bantha's arse.' I clap my hand on his shoulder. I hear the General's quick heels on the smooth white tiles. 'Keep your mouth shut, shit together and vomit in and you might last as long as dear old Jakob. An entire six months.' _

_I take my hand away and look mournfully into the distance. 'Was almost going to set a new record of twenty six weeks.' I leer at Willis out of the corner of my eye as what colour he had fades from his face._

_The General appears and Willis moves to sharp attention. His legs almost stop wobbling. I stand at my own form of attention; back straight, legs shoulder length apart and hands behind my back. In my mind, I am spitting on his face._

_'Guard.' Willis opens the door on the General's order and the smell of Wookie piss and shit hit's your nose like a speeder. The Guard does a good job keeping in the vomit that leaks from his mouth. He swallows hard. Again and again. When it is back where it should be, he wipes his mouth. The Guard glances at me and I wink. He's a quick learner. Might survive after all._

_The General walks inside, examines my work, enquires to the Wookie of his cooperation, recievs a screeching affirmative and walks back out. He nods to me. 'Well done, Primacy. A new record for any successful torture in Class B. A little messy though.'_

_I turned and started walking away after 'well done'. When he finishes, my feet dance a 180 turn and I continue to walk away backward down the long, white corridor. I spread my arms wide as I take in his amused, affronted face._

_'You trained me to be the best, General.' My feet turn back around. I walk away with a straight back and confident steps, my calling voice echoing down the corridor to him. _

_'So I'm being the best.'_

I look to the Hunt Master. Old and grey; tall and majestic. He grins at me. Or something close to a grin, it's hard to tell with Wookies. Whatever it is, it isn't something Wookies have ever made while looking at me before. As he stares down at me from the podium in the centre of the dusty arena, I wallow in conceit and pride. This is my moment. The first mark in many leading to my eternal glory. A spit in the face of the Organisation.

_'Your name will be feared by even Sith.'_

But I feel his eyes. And I am still scared.


	4. Chapter 4

**Two Weeks later on Dromund Kaas**

I let myself tell myself that I had forgotten him. But it's hard to forget someone you are consciously trying to forget. It was only a glance. Shouldn't be this hard to forget.

He wasn't on Mandalore's station.

So I was surprised to see him on Dromund Kaas.

Mandalorians stood talking around fires. He was not in traditional armour. Again. He was the first to see me. All stopped to ogle. His eyes never left me. I was conscious of them. Staring. He moves up around his friend. Better position to watch.

The space outside the yawning black cave is a vast clearing. Towering dark green trees attempt to meet in a canopy over the barren area, the sun still reaching down. Surprised this area is clear. Most of Drumond Kaas, a wild cess pit of carnivorous monsters that is the Imperial Capital, is untamed jungle of green and purple plants. Imperial buildings and estates are like birds' nests coddled and suffocated in trees.

Despite the warmth of this festering planet and light of the clearing, there are still fires in their camp. Sergeants walk along lines of bare chested Mando's doing drills. Sergeant's and loitering Mandalorians are all in traditional armour, but all have helmets off and are watching. As expected, there are no females in sight. _No wonder Mandalorian's turn to adoption._

'This is a camp for warriors, not hikers. You are not welcome here.' I feel Mandalorians walking up and around us, their eyes watching Mako, Gault and I. Mako shifts uncomfortably and blushes under their gaze. Most had their arms crossed or on their hips. There posture is still casual. They just wanted to watch a show.

I sneer at blondies friend. 'I go where I want. Pick the fight with someone you can beat.' I go to walk away towards the cave. But the dumb ugly punk isn't finished.

'Leave. I am not telling you again. Or I will put a knife in your gut.'

'Tough words. Care to attempt to back them up.' He makes a move. More a flinch. I am faster. My gun is centimetres from his head before he even touches his own. 'Pow. Your dead.'

The Mandalorian stares at me with hatred in his eyes. I sneer wider. Mandalorians are pathetic.

Blondie steps forward slightly. I glance his way. His heart beat is even. Relaxed. His mouth is twitching at the edges; a tiny smile in the corners. He seems serious. He is strong. Leaner than most Mandalorians. A scar like tridents of old is on each cheek. I like the look of him.

'She's more warrior than you, Jogo.' He tries not to smile, but I can tell he is under the shadow of a frown. He is smart. Yes. I think I like the look of him a lot. And that is a dangerous, terrifying thing.

This 'Jogo' is offended. Slightly humiliated. I don't know why, but he is easy to read. He leers at the kid. 'You're one to judge, huh, arue'tal?' A traitor's blood. _Interesting._

The kid ignores the jibe, keeps cool. _Very smart._ 'Huntmaster declared her Grand Champion.' I smirk a little. He remembers. Something spasms in my chest. I ignore it.

His 'friend' is dismissive. Derisive. It's big talking for someone with a gun in their face. But it doesn't earn my respect, only my spite. I think about shooting him. But it would prove troublesome. His friends voice is dumb. I can tell he is an idiot. Good thing Mandalorians pride combat over brains. The others all stiffen a little.

Blondie shakes his head and turns his back to Jogo. It shakes his hair. I turn to him. But I don't lower my arm.

'Never mind. It's an honour.'

I smirk a little. Honour is a funny thing. I don't believe in it. 'Your friend has a death wish. Thinking about making good on it.'

Blondies lips twitch some more. I want him to smile. 'Yeah. Ignore him. He's not too bright.' I smile. Not smirk. Something passes between us. It is startling. I want more than this moment. And that is even more terrifying. I must kill whatever this kid has caused in me. It has no place in someone like me. Something like me.

I lower my arm from his friends face. 'So you got a name, kid?' He frowns. No twitching. Kids got pride. Despite his status.

'Torian Cadera. Not a kid.' I smirk.

But I nod too. 'You're still young, kid. But I'm sorry. Meant no offence.'

'Older than you.' I let it slide. Years have no meaning over me. I am hundreds of years old. 'But no insult taken.' Yes. I removed the moment. And a lot more. But he stills speaks. 'Taking the head of one of our beasts?'

'Something like that. I will know it when I see it.' Don't know why I'm still talking to him. I'm wasting time. Time is everything. Especially when there's an expiry date.

'Sire of the brood.' He's heard of it. 'You can feel it's heart beat in the walls.' I stop and listen. Yes. I can hear a heartbeat. Large above all others. It will be deafening in the fight. I hold back a sigh. Hearing implants can be a pain.

'Better warriors than you have tried. They never return.' I smirk at Jogo's retreating figure. No Mandalorian is a better warrior then me. No one is.

And I always return.

**After defeating the beast...**

Mandalorians cheer as I walk past out of the cave. I like victories.

The light of day is blinding after the liberating dark of the festering cave. Gault didn't like the cave so much. Neither did Mako. She gizka-d out and stayed behind, hidden from the sight of the Mando's outside. Once she was out of ear shot Gault was quick to jump down my throat and force himself under my skin.

He nudges my ribs playfully and grins in his mocking way. 'You got a thing for the blonde one, don't you?'

Before Gault can process what's happening, his arms are behind his back and his kneeling on the ground, my lips at his ear. 'Want to say that again? Didn't quite catch it.'

'Hey hey. No need for the hostilities. Want to get close to me only have to call my name.' I snort and push him into the ground as I let go and stand up. I keep walking through the cave toward the vociferous noise. Gault stumbles after me. I knew he would.

'So come on. You do, don't you? I saw you two looking at each other. I was born very, very far away from yesterday. If he had been looking at you with anything hotter, Drumond Kaas would be the new Tatooine. So come on. Stop being so silent. Talk to Uncle Gault about it.'

I stop and let Gault run into me. I hold my gun under his chin and look into his eyes. 'If Uncle Gault wants to live, I suggest he shut the fuck up now while he still has a jaw. The beast is in the next cavern.'

I move to the wall and walk along it noiselessly. Gault comes up beside me and I whisper the plan as I eye the beast. 'Right behind you. Far, far behind you,' he whispers back.

'No different from usual then.' He begins to sneak to the other side of the cavern, far from the action when he stops on my whisper.

'And Gault: nudge me, touch me, hit me, kick me or poke me again and you will lose all eleven fingers. Say anything like that again and you will find yourself missing three horns and one of them won't be growing back. Do I make myself clear, 'Uncle' Gault?'

He nods and grumbles curses and abuse under breath when he thinks I can't hear. I can. But they amuse me for now.

When he is in position, we attack the beast.


	5. Chapter 5

**A week later...**

He wasn't on Mandalore's ship, of course. Don't think a traitor's son would be welcome there.

Mandalore makes an offer for me to join his clan when he sees the evidence of my victory against the beast. I accept. I don't care for being part of a large family or their pathetic honour. I join because I know there will be benefits: money and connections. Important connections.

And the coronation ceremony and celebration is almost fun. Meet the other three Grand Champion's of Hunt's past. I don't care for them. Especially the Zabrak woman, Jewl'a Nightbringer. Bloodworthy and the droid seemed tolerable for now. Not sure I like Mandalore though. Even though he 'likes a woman who isn't afraid to get her knuckles bloody.' Think that comment is basically why I don't. I'm not here to be liked. But I am smarter than to refuse. Might need allies for awhile in the galaxy and they could cause trouble otherwise. Plus. Pay is good. Very good.

When I make it back to the ship, Mako and Gault are still awake. I'm in a surprisingly good mood. Basically means I don't have the urge to shoot anyone. Not even Mako.

'Ah, thank goodness your back. I was getting lonely for female companionship.'

Mako glares at him. 'Two things, Gault: Ew, just ew. And hey! I'm female.'

Gault gives her a once over and shakes his head. He grins at me and spreads his hands wide. 'I rest my case.'

I laugh and sit on the floor. _Must be in a good mood if I'm not threatening Gault for that._ We make a strange triangle. Should probably buy couches or chairs one day. Got more than enough money. But such comforts don't mean much to me. This freedom is enough.

Mako is eager to hear the news, though. 'So come on, what happened? What was Mandalore like?'

'He was an oppressive jack ass.' I shrug. 'Just like any man.' Mako giggles a little and it makes me notice the empty bottles for the first time. I look back at her and wonder how I didn't realise the disarray of her short brown hair, the unbalanced movements of her slim body and the general stench of the room.

Gault makes a short protest to my statement. I wave him away. 'You're existence only proves my point, 'Gault'. Anyway, I've become part of his clan. You are now looking at an official Mandalorian.'

Gault whistles. 'You've just made yourself a lot of friends.'

I grin at him. 'I know, Gault. They were my thoughts exactly. We also got a new job along with it. A Black List bounty. Big leagues.'

'And big credits.' Gault's greed is almost palpable. Don't think Gault is much different from his old name of Tyresius Lokai. Maybe a little more real. Definitely not as big a fish. Gault was a target and I spared him. He works for me now. We gave them a clone instead. Still think about killing him though. Suppose for now he's useful. _But there's always tomorrow..._

I nod. 'I'll toast to that.' He throws me an unopened bottle and we raise them at each other. Mako just shakes her head a little, but it turns into a drunken sway. I raise my eyebrow at Gault and motion to her. _Light weight, _I mouth to him_. _He snickers and nods.

'Wow. Black list bounty. Big leagues doesn't even cover it. You have no idea what this is.'

I glare at her. I hate her presumption of what I do and don't know. She stiffens in fear. 'Let me guess, Mako. You've searched the web a thousand times and all you could ever find or hear of about the list were rumours. Trust me, Mako. There's a lot out there you don't know.'

She goes to make a retort but something in my voice or words stops her. She gives me a curious searching look and nods. 'I'll get to work on decoding it. Night.' She reels away drunkenly. I hear her pass out on her bed.

I stay up with Gault. We talk of all the credits that are coming our way. I don't care for credits like Gault does. They are a necessary means to an end.

And that end is revenge.


	6. Chapter 6

**Taris, three weeks later...**

We run towards him.

I dodge the traps easily. Leaping and twisting. Mako and Gault have more trouble. I don't look back. My blood is surging through me fast. _It's from the battle. Don't worry. _'Torian!' Mako calls as she limps up to stand with me. Her voice is thick with emotion. Think more on that later. I am aware of Gault running from one trap to the next. Disabling them with ease. He is skilled and efficient. It almost makes me smile a little. _You would never guess._

'Cadera'. I'm all business. 'Where's Jicoln?' My voice is urgent. I feel tense. _It's because the trail is getting cold. Only the trail._

Cadera is lying down on his side, his elbow supporting him as it rests in a pool of blood. There sweat beading n his forehead and he holds one hand to his side. His hair is ruffled damp threads of gold, pusshed bac and out of place. His face is serious but does a good job at remaining stoic. His voice doesn't.

I order Mako to get some med supplies. I take out what I have on me and silently attend Cadera as he continues his briefing. He gives me directions. Jicoln escaped Torian's traps but is badly injured. Should be a blood trail to lead us to him. He'll head for an outpost for supplies. Mako joins me. She silently passes the supplies she managed to find. I still feel tense. Metal is tight and heavy on my skin. He continues to protest. 'Better the trail gets cold then you.' _That's a first._

He tries to look in my eye. I avoid them. I retain my professional indifference. _It's easier pretending. _I see a twitch on his face. A small smile. My own lips tug. I force a frown and finish cleaning his wounds. _I need to be harder to read then that._ The wounds were not that bad. Fatal if not treated immediately and carefully. But I had seen worse on my home world during the Great Galactic War. _And I have done worse._

'So close...' he mumbles. I become aware of how close our faces are_. _Our bodies._ He means Jicoln. Jicoln._ He passes out at some stage.

We leave when he wakes. 'All right, kid, the kolto's treated most of the damage. So stop sleeping.'

He's angry. 'You should have left me. You've given the traitor too much time.' Half an hour has passed by. I don't mind. I never fail a kill. I always get my target. _And I'm relieved. _Gault and Mako return to the ship. They need to collect on a few rewards, and buy a few things before the job is wrapped up.

Cadera and I fight along a trail of blood.

After a few minutes I decide to speak up. I like the silence but we can't never speak. 'You're welcome, by the way.' I shoot a rakghoul that was stalking up behind him. He finishes off the two in front of him. There's none left in this area.

'Sorry. Thanks.' His serious face looks a little ashamed. I hide my smile under a sneer.

'Come on. Can't keep standing smelling the flowers all day.' I motion to a beautiful purple flower on the ground. Similar to the lilies found on Drumond Kaas. I walk off and pick it up, putting it behind my ear. It smells nice. Make a nice memento. I hear him following me.

He fights well. Like a man with something to prove. _We all have something to prove. _We are in sync. So quickly we fit our fighting styles; defence and offence. We leap in time, fighting side by side. He ducks and twirls, keeping the enemies back towards me. It's exhilarating. Our fights are easy, swift and enjoyable.

He fights with honour. Unlike Gault, he relies on guile instead of skill to win battles. Or Mako. Unlike any man. A bond was formed between us. When two people fight as one, it does something. An unseen honour. An unspoken respect. And something more. _No. Never more._

My chest is hurting. A virus is spreading in my torso and through my body. I fight harder. _Because that's easier._


	7. Chapter 7

**A week later...**

He turns to me with steel resolve in his eyes. Pleases me to not see a weak child.

'Thanks for this. I will not forget it.'

'Hold you to that.' I wink at him. It's a little bit of an awkward thing when you only have one eye. I smile to make up for the deficiency. 'We will meet again.' Never knew how true that statement was until later. Inside, something twists alive and painful. I had forgotten this would end. Jicoln is dead.

He gestures to a purple splash on the mud. 'Shame.' I bend down swiftly and pick up the broken, dirty remnants of the flower I found. It fell out when Cadera pushed me down. Move made Jicoln's shot a miss. Saved my life, I guess. But it makes me more than a little sad. It was a rare thing. I throw it back down onto the ground.

'It's worthless now.'

He turns away from me and looks down the hill. 'It's been an honour'.

_'You two are good... real good. Even Artus never gave me this much of a run.'_

_'His name is Mandalore now!' Cadera is angry. So much pride and so much to prove._

_'I know what he calls himself now, boy. I was there.'_

_'Dad getting under your skin, Cadera?' Torian shoots me a glare. It's vicious. I like his anger. I meet it levelly. I leer at him and then Jicoln as understanding spreads across his face._

_'Dad? Torian? No... you can't be. Artus said he would kill you. Promised to kill you. Swore it.'_

_Cadera looks to his right, eyes in the distance. 'Sometimes, I wish he had.' His voice is thick with betrayal and years of suffering. Wouldn't have been easy. But it only showed for a moment. He goes back to stern resolve. Almost stoic. I only have respect for those that suffer in silence. Wish Mako would take a lesson or two from Cadera._

_'So it's really you. Artus knows how to put the crowning irony on a vendetta.' _

_'Bit too late for remorse, Jicoln. I'm doing it for Mandalore. Kid's doing it for himself.'_

_'But does he know why?' I roll my eye. Like I care. Jicoln's going to die. Whether it's by Cadera's gun or mine. Don't give a **** why the kid's doing it really. Though any fool could figure it out._

_Cadera pulls his gun and holds it to his father's head. 'You stripped our clan of its honour. Today, I'm taking it back!' I like his self righteousness. And the harsh edge to his solemn voice. _

I respect his strength to kill his Father. It would be a pathetic weakness to allow him to live. He was decisive. And, I admit, I was a little surprised. I never got the whole 'parents' thing. Over rated. Not that an orphan would know. Didn't have them. Didn't need them. Don't want them. Don't remember them. I thought he would take the chance for father and son bonding. To settle unsolved Daddy issues. He proved me wrong. He wasn't a child screaming for Daddy to look at him. I step on the flower, my boot pressing it into the mud's hungry mouth.

I sympathise with Cadera. No Mandalorian believed he would restore his honour. No one believes I would kill in cold blood. That I can kill. It's a sad thing to have in common, constant underestimation, but it is something. And even if he doesn't realise, I will always feel a connection to him for it. We are alike. More than I have ever been to anyone. And this rare blissful thing fills me with bitter sweet melancholy thoughts.

_'Aah... just do it.'_

_Cadera holds a gun to his kneeling father's head. He stands tall and proud above him. 'Liser gar su jorhaa'ir haar joha, dar'manda?' He spits in his father's face. 'Ib'tuur gar dar'buir balyc.' _Today you have no son.

_Jicoln turns his head to me. Cadera's spit trickles around the edge of his right eye. He doesn't wipe it away. 'I have a last request hunter. Let me speak with my son.'_

_I hold up my empty hands and leer at him. 'I'm not the one holding the gun in your face.' I cross my arms and glance at Cadera. I'm still ready for anything. Jicoln isn't dead yet. 'You're call, kid.'_

_'My clan will not be remembered as traitors.' He is resolute. _

_He leans forward and pull's his father's body up until their eyes are meeting, noses almost touching. Cadera lifts up his arm and puts the gun to Jicoln's parietal lobe, above his ear. _

_'Goodbye, aruetii.' He pulls the trigger and watches as the life quickly leaves his father's eyes. He throws the body to the ground like it was a festering contagious thing and spits on its feet._

I can't see him anymore. Lost in rubble and plants; the life that comes after destruction and loneliness. Wild and heartless. We will meet again. I deny that part of me wants to. I will forever deny it. Maybe then, this worm that has grown inside my guts and wrapped itself around my chest will die. What can live without food?

As he walks away, I feel I am losing something important. A part of me has fallen away. Something I didn't know I had. I try to find words to describe it, but letters seem to dissipate and jumble. It is something beyond description. It is on the edge of my memory. It is something old and forgotten. Something I learnt that I fail to remember. A shadow in my vision. No matter how I reach, it is out of my grasp.

'Let's clear out.' I say it to no one. I forget I am alone with a dead man.

I have lost something important. And I don't know what it is.

But I want it back. More than I have ever wanted anything.


	8. Chapter 8

**That night...**

It was easy to forget him. _Almost. _

Bragging to the other hunters filled me with pride. My arrogance grates on their nerves. I know I am good. I am the best at what I do. Professional. They underestimated me.

'The Mandalorians will meet you at the space port to pick him up.'

I cut the transmission. Gault and Mako smile at each other. They are proud too. I return to my quarters on the top level. Preparing... things. I don't really know what. I need to be alone a moment. I feel excited and hopeful and... _What is this, really?_ The company of others is odd to me. I am not used to it. I have been alone for a long time. Accept for dead men. When I think about it, there have always been dead men in my life.

I call Gault and Mako down when I reach the exit.

Gault comes first. His skin is darker. And his broken horn has grown in the time we spent together. He looks younger. Closer to his real age. He grins at me. 'In a hurry to leave?' The light creates dark shadows around his face.

'You know I like places that don't threaten to turn me into a ravenous mutant or poison me with toxic water as we scramble from ruin to ruin. A shame you missed the fun we had on Nar Shaddaa.' I can hear Mako's light foot work tapping on the steel floor above.

She skips down the stairs. 'Fun for some.' She stands on my right, a smile on her face. Despite talk of Nar Shaddaa. Somehow, her smiles always look slightly sad. 'Ready to leave.' She reports it seriously. It doesn't suit her.

I nod the signal and we begin the long process of leaving the ship.

The Mandalorians are already waiting.


	9. Chapter 9

He is with them.

The plant's roots in my chest twist tighter as I see Cadera standing with the others. Behind and in close proximity to them, yet everything seems to scream separation. I had denied myself the hope that he would be amongst them. That I would ever see him again. _'We'll meet again', huh? _ I mentally shake my head_. Stupid feelings to have for someone I have only just met._ So I shake my head again. _I don't have feelings._

I smirk at their impertinent leader. 'He's in the cargo hold.' The others go aboard to collect the body. Cadera remains behind. Whatever is in my chest moves and wriggles. It is struggling, like a bird trying to escape from a cage. The flutter is a quick, liquid rushing fast behind my ears. I thought that bird had been long dead. I thought someone else had killed it eight years ago. Ripped it out and left something cold and twisted in its place. And I am too scared to look.

He calls my attention. 'Champion.' My face is passive but heat is spreading through my body. I want this final goodbye over with. Then, I can forget. Over this year, my soul and mind have become proficient in forgetting. _Because it's easier._

He is young. Younger than usually attracts my attention. But, I suppose, not really much older than me, as he said. Not much of anything else about him is what usually attracts my attention either. Blonde hair, and such large blue eyes. I feel disarmed under their gaze. He is unguarded. Truthful. They don't hold secrets. It puts me on my watch. Barriers entering the depths of my eyes. Secrets he will never see.

My 'flirting' is direct. I don't play games. Not in my job, and not with people. I don't even know if it is flirting. I have never listened to most people long enough before shooting them to know how the rest plays out after 'hey sexcy'. I just don't want him to know what I'm thinking. _I don't want to know what I'm thinking._

He shrugs his shoulders at my approaches. He explains why he wants in. I don't care why. And I don't really listen. I had seen him fight. I had seen him hunt. I was impressed. And that was enough. I have no belief in honour.

Gault and Mako pressure me into allowing him on board. Unnecessary but reassuring. I had not felt so many things at once, or just so many things, for years. _Nine long years._ I am scared. I want to say yes and no all at once. _God, I'm thinking like a pubescent school girl again. Maybe I should shoot myself now... _I will never let him into my soul. _Unless I already have._

'Who could resist a face like that?' is Mako's only contribution. Not very relevant. And it grinds on my nerves. 'I'm up for it. Ships pretty boring when your off doing your thing.' Gault's input hardly sways me either way. He's hardly on board during the days or nights when Mako and I are out. Either in a cantina cheating at Sabacc or creating scams to sell to the vendors and potentially gullible clients. Fighting with Gault is less then thrilling.

But being with Gault isn't so bad. We are cruel to each other. But that's how it is. It's fun. And easy. Different from being with Mako. She constantly expects better. Something warmer. Sympathetic. She is a good person. Kind of. I have never met many kind of good people, and if they are as annoying as her, I don't want to meet anymore_._ I don't believe there are any **good** people in the world.

I can be me with Gault. Like I can with my employers. Heartless, greedy, cold, remorseless. A killer. Because I don't care for his good opinion. But it didn't matter. Gault was surprised by me still. They always are. _'You like him.'_ They always underestimate me.

_The Padawn runs to their fallen Master. Weak. Stupid to let down your guard._

_She says something. I shoot. Pow._

_'You really did it. I didn't think you would. I mean, I would. But.' Gault screams disbelief. I think for the first time he saw me. Naked and bare. I snort in derision. Something dark and angry flows through me . It lashes out._

_'It's a job. I completed it.' No matter what you do, people always underestimate you. It annoys me. It infuriates me. Sometimes, I think I'm living a life to prove others wrong. To prove him wrong. Nine years is a long time to make a point._

_'This is what I do. It's what I've always done. What I was made for. Now hurry and blow this ship to hell.'_

He seems to ignore them both, eyes fixed on mine. I look to somewhere between his eyes. 'The honour is mine, kid. I'm flattered. Welcome aboard.' My words were chosen carefully. Distant. We are not familiar. _Yet._

His acceptance is simple. 'Thank you.' He uses few words. It appeals to me.

Mako and Gault remove themselves to prepare the ship. Type new coordinateness. Find new destinations. Watch the Mandoloarians. Cadera and I stand. Watching each other. I tried to avoid it. I didn't want it: the electricity, the current, the something that passed between us. It was interrupted by the Mandolorians. Our gaze broken. I am released. I breathe out regret.

'We're done. Coming, Torian?' I make a note of the name change. Feel a little happy for the kid. Jogo seems something close to friendly.

He shrugs his shoulders and turns to face Jogo, standing closer to me. 'Nope.'

Jogo scoffs. 'You can finally show your face and now you're running off? Try to make something of yourself, arue'tal.' Jogo does everything but spit on Cadera. Cadera only stands straighter at my side. They leave with no more words.

Not sure joining us was the wisest move for Cadera. But this should be still interesting. I seem to be collecting people that don't belong anywhere else. _Doesn't mean they belong on my ship._

'Ready when you are.'

I wonder when that is.


	10. Chapter 10

I figured he should meet the crew properly.

Mako is friendly. She makes a joking pass at our ship. I admit it's on the bad side. But I like it. I go along with the joke.

'Hey! I've done a lot to this ship! Remember what it was like when we first stole it?' We all smile. It hasn't changed.

'Come on, I'll give you the tour.' I feel a rush of anger after Mako and him leave the room. I punch the nearest wall. I growl at the dint my fist leaves. My gloves are off. The metal implants that protect my knuckles leave four tiny pyramid indents. A light starts flashing somewhere else now. Another thing to fix.

'Don't like to see them get along? I mean, 'who could resist a face like that'?' Gault raises his voice into a mock impersonation of Mako's.

I glare at him. Then relax. I smile. 'Be nice or I'll give you an earful'. I mimic Mako's earlier warning as well. Then I shrug and turn to the beaten wall. I flex my fingers. There's slight cracking and clinking. 'Bout time Mako got some experience. I don't care if it's with the golden child.' I don't move for awhile but he takes a step or two closer.

'And what about you? Do you need some more experience?' He presses up behind me.

I snicker at him. 'I think it's you the needs the experience.' I pull my gun out and have him on the ground, pinned and defenceless, before he even flinched.

I press the gun to his red forehead. 'Pow.' I lean in closer to whisper. My lips brush his ear. I can taste his lust. But I know that even that is a shallow, mocking thing.

'You're dead.'


	11. Chapter 11

We stay on Taris for the night.

The cantina isn't great, but better than nothing. Debatably. And Mako did debate it. All the way to the cantina. We grab a booth in the middle of the line. It has the right vantage point. Across from the bar, can see all directions, not corned and offers escape by both exits if needed. Gault taught me the necessity of noticing all exits when we first met. He was quick to use them.

After a few rounds, we make a sloppy toast to our new companion. The ale is harsh and burning as it rolls down my throat. 'Another!' I yell. Mako and Gault cheer. I wink lazily at Cadera across from me as I leave the booth, climbing over Mako.

I walk steadily and calmly through the dancers. I am not as intoxicated as I appear. Pretending is easier than feeling. _I've been pretending for nine years. _

I shake my head. I can't think like this. I look for a bartender but draw a blank. I climb easily onto the stool. I have missed the flexibility of normal clothes. My pants are tight elastic. Black. They hide what's underneath. My top is high and loose. My jacket large. They don't show what bulgers bellow. Jacket's old. It still shines dully in the light. Not everything can weather so many years.

I look back at the table. Gault isn't there. Cadera smiles slightly at something he said. Mako laughs. She throws her head back, short black hair falling away from her face. She spills her drink as her arms wave in hysterics. My lips tighten. It shifts my implants painfully. It turns to a scowl.

I turn to see a bartender appear. An Irodonian. Strange.

'Four shots of Nar Shaddaa's murkiest ale, and two shots of whatever for myself.' I am relieved to see dancers in my view of our booth.

Someone eases into the stool next to me. I take my first shot. It hurts. A wild fire in my stomach is lit and I smile. _Sometimes, I don't mind pain. _

'You like him.' I look over at the newcomer. Gault is smiling in my face.

'Forget my previous warning already?' I punch him. His smile stays a while. His hand massages the wrinkles around his jaw.

'Harder than usual.' He speaks with exaggerated consideration and ignores my previous comment. 'So that means... yep, you do.'

Another drink appears in front of me. I add it to the raging hell inside me. I imagine I have a stomach. That the acid lining of my stomach is burning and boiling. What's left unguarded starts to blister and bleed. Peeling away. It hurts. And I smile some more.

_'I don't like thi- yup, definitely don't like this'. I quickly glare at Gault. I don't turn straight away. I listen to the sound of the man's breathing and footsteps. I memorize them, measure the distance, decide his strength._

_'Thought you would be harder to get the drop on'. I know the voice. I had never forgotten. Somewhere, it was filed away in my memory. And it came to near things best left in the dark. Covered in clothes and armour._

_'Hi Cutie.' I slowly turn around. I make no move for my gun. I won't need it. 'I was just eager to see you again after Dromund Kaas'. I don't smile. I don't remember how sometimes._

_He lowers his arm wearily. I knew he would. Predictable._

_'You what-' I disarm him easily. And then I do smile. I know how to do this. I know how to take joy in this. It creeps from my chest through my body. The savage darkness. I almost reach for his neck. But his blue eyes look into mine. They pierce through the shadows. They see beyond. I am shocked. And scared._

_'Men...' He will not see me again. 'Time to tell me what you're doing here'_

_'Ow - I deserved that.' He sounds casual. Not a man that just pointed a gun at my head. I like that. I pull him to his feet. He massages the back of his head and neck._

_Gault's voice breaks through my trance. I had forgotten him. Not easily done. 'You like him. If I tried that, I'd be wearing my face on the back wall.' _

My lips twitch uncertainly at the memory. Gault's eyes and voice were amused then. He doesn't look at me now.

'I don't like anyone.' _Not for a long time. _I want another drink. _'_Not you. Not Mako. And not that punk Mandolorian.' I gave up hoping for good in people a long time ago. I don't know why I bother drinking anymore. Force of habit. I haven't been able to get drunk in almost a decade. _Almost a decade..._

I grunt and take one of the four that's for the table. In my mind, I can hear Mako's laughter, I can see Cadera's smile. I look at Gault. He is laughing. The notes lost in music, voices, and bangs. _I don't like anyone._

Strange thoughts I'm having tonight. Too many memories. Over the chaotic noise, a man shouts. He calls to some woman. The sounds wash over me. 'I don't like anyone.' Gault continues to laugh. My foot hooks the stool and I pull it from under him. His fall doesn't create a ripple. I laugh at him and pull out my blaster. My memento. I point it at his head.

He looks me in the eye. His mouth twitches. Doesn't look as good on him. _Am I joking?_ His eyes are sightless. They aren't _his_. I throw my blaster on the counter and lean over. My gloved fingers grab the first bottle they feel. It's a little warm, but looks good. I move to take it back to the booth. I pick up the tray with glasses. They tinkle. Gault reclaimed his thrown. No one ever sees.

The man is calling to the woman louder. My eyes glaze around the dim room. I see him. Large. Dark and ruffled hair. Unshaven and reeking of human. He is drunk. And a soldier. He is looking at me. Calling to me. I ignore him. I look to Gault. 'Say that again and the Hutt's will hear you're alive.'

When I turn back around, the man is standing in the middle of the dance floor. 'Come here sugar and share those drinks with me.' He is shouting. The music slows and voices whisper. I feel Gault slip away. _Typical. _I seeMako across the room reach under her skirt for a hidden vibro knife and medpacs. Cadera has moved to the end of the booth. He watches.

I avoid his eyes, motioning for them to stay cool. The glasses clatter in a tune as I place the tray and bottle back on the counter. The bartenders gone. _Typical._

I grab my gun and point it at him. I take swift aim on the small red medal on his uniform. It's for honour. A dark rage runs through me. 'Put that toy down hon', and I'll give you a bigger gun to play with.' I put the blaster pistol back in the holster. It is hard against my thigh. I slowly remove my leather gloves and tuck them into my belt. My hands are soft. The metal knuckles catch the lights. Small rainbows set on silver. Nails long. Sharp.

_I stalk them slowly. My last targets._

I walk to him quietly. The music starts. Sound begins again. Cautious and uncertain.

_They are reeling drunk down a street and looking for some women to fuck. I slip down a side street and come out in front of them. _

I stroll up close to him, whisper something in his ear. My hands play from his neck and move down. Long nails from lack of maintenance tickling his pale skin. They slip into his pants. They stop at his groin, gently massaging. He says something about 'coming around'. My grip slowly tightens, more and more. Harder, and harder. My nails dig into his skin until I feel it burst. He gurgles in pain. Tries to form sentences but is too shocked and intoxicated to do more than stand.

_I remember their faces. I remember their cruel touch. They leer at me. They remember too. They call things and come closer. 'Baby doll.' Moving to form a circle around me. My hands twitch above my blasters. They are perfect and soft. I'm not defenceless. And I will never run again. _

I dig in and twist once more. Then I let go. I step back at little. I sneer. I stare into his scared and outraged eyes. I feel angry. And powerful. He sinks further down. One leg straight, the other kneeling. He finds in his fucked up mind some sordid words.

_They close in. I pull out my gun. A small toy. They back off at first. Wary. But then they laugh. And taunt. I shoot one in the lower torso. He keels over bleeding. It will kill him. Eventually. He shouts for his friends to attack. He's angry. He wants to make me suffer for it. I want him to suffer for me._

'You fucking heartless whore! You fat fucking weak ****.'

_They all take out knives. Some also have blasters. They shout vile things. Things they will do. Like they haven't already done their worst. I smirk. I disarm them one by one. Ducking and weaving easily. They are clumsy. I am quick. And young. I have not wasted my time with him. He only taught me basics. It amused him. But I have been training for two years. Working through my list in secret. Just a few names left. _

My fists clench. I walk up to him and punch his jaw. Skin breaks as a nail carves across it. As the metal spikes on my knuckles crush bone. 'I am not weak.' I hit him again. My thumb nail is full of blood and skin. 'I am not a whore.'

_They are quickly all on the ground. I aim for the areas he taught me. To stop them running. Then my work begins. I make them suffer. And I make them beg like I did. And only then do I kill them. Just like them, I will show no mercy._

My fists become tighter. My finger nails dig into my palm. It hurts. And I smile.

_The last cried. And whimpered. He was the first to ever touch me. And now the last to die. 'Pow.' I aim for his head. His sweaty, red, round head._

_'You're dead'. I pull the trigger. I pick up the man's gun. A memento._

I swing my right leg around in harsh kick that comes down on the back of his head. I spit on him. The sound is loud and echoing in the silence that comes before his screams. His cheek is a jagged gash. I smile down at him. I wave goodbye with bloody fingers as I walk from the cantina.

_I am surround by dead men. And someone is clapping._


	12. Chapter 12

Once I leave the complex, I am chilled by the night.

I look to the sky. It is starless. My right hand hurts. I look down at it. Blood is seeping from four crescent shaped cuts. I drop it to wave by my side and slowly walk up a ramp to the higher level. I leave a red trail behind. The stores are closed and shady figures move in the dark.

I sit down at a stims vendor stall. I decide not to take anything for awhile.

I feel empty. It is comforting to see something flowing from me. To know there is still something living in there. I want to bleed to know I'm still alive. I haven't bled in a long time. _Do they even train people to use blasters anymore_? I didn't even know if I still had blood. I could never bring myself to see.

I think of Mako and Cadera still in the cantina. I wonder if I destroyed their night... I decide not to deny myself the feeling of hope that I did. On an impulse, I write on the steel ground. I smile at the message and lie on my back. It is nice to feel the cold on my skin. Been too long since I took my armour off. Guess this is what happens when you live for suffer. And live for revenge.

I pull my blaster out. I shoot out to the stars. 'Pow.' I watch the laser bolt disappear. 'What if' seems to be written in the stars tonight. I hold the gun, arm straight, eye along the line. My thumb plays with the engraving underneath. It's smeared with blood.

_His body is firm against mine._

_I press my finger on the trigger. Bullseye. A tiny hole is left in the small red circle in the middle of rings of colour. I giggle and turn in his arms. I jump up and down. 'I did it! I did it!'_

_'You did, you did. You win. I concede, I concede.' He laughs and smiles down at me. 'But it is harder to shoot when the red circle is another man's head.'_

_I pout. 'I could do it! I could kill a man. I am not scared! I could be a Sith Warrior. Or a bounty hunter!' _

_'Don't think you'd be much of a bounty hunter. You would have to travel the galaxy just to kill a man. It's beyond you.' He pinches my cheeks. It is a derisive act of a father to a young kid. My heart beats a potent rage at it. 'You're too sweet to kill anyone.'_

_He underestimates me. 'Just you watch, General.' I back flip away and aim the gun playfully at his head. 'POW!' I say. 'You're dead.' I smile._

_He moves quickly to disarm me. I am on the ground and his hand is at my neck. I pout. Again. He smiles and releases me. Sitting with elbows on his knees next to me. Close to me. My back hurts. And my hand. I am angry. The annoyance of a spoilt child._

_'I want you to teach me how to do that now! I want to be able to protect myself.' He smiles at me. _

_'What about others? Or don't you like anyone else?' Always smiling. _

_'I like you. That's enough.' I think a little, though. I chew my lips and they drip blood. But I continue to do it. It hurts. I remember thinking others don't matter. They don't deserve life. It is funny how the innocent can see so clearly. At times. _

_'I want to protect myself from men. I don't want to be defenceless again.' Darker thoughts creep around my mind. Black memories. No one has ever shown the orphan girl kindness. An unprotected girl can only be used for one thing. I still feel the loathing I learnt to have for soldiers. Their vile drunkenness. I remember every time I was still on the streets too late and I could not run fast enough, cursing them. No one ever helped me. Only watched. I made a list of vendettas. A hit list. I remembered their names. And faces. Their time would come._

_ And I had seen their wars and the brutalities people show each other. Men show other men. No. There is no honour in the world. No kindness. The Empire and Republic are the same._

_And then he leans over and kisses me. 'Then first things first... my perfect little killer.' His eyes are clear. They see me. And they smile. Small shadows dance at their depths. Eyes are gateways to the soul. And I want to see his. Like he sees mine._

My hand hurts. Blood has been falling down my arm. A lot. I pull up my sleeve with my free hand and watch it make trials of orange down my arm. I try not to think of the colour. I don't want to know why it's not red. They are orange vines that slither and climb up my arm, weaving between pale short hairs.

_Protect myself, huh?_

I lower my arm and lie like a star on the ground. All empty pale skin covered in black. Somehow glowing in the dim night light. Grand Champion of the Great Hunt. I want him to see me now. _Strange thoughts I'm having tonight... _

I think I'll find Gault later. We kill time together. Get smashed. But he has never touched me. Tried. Every night. But failed. Sometimes, though, we will sit close as we drink and enjoy the proximity of another. It's nothing sexual. I know Gault doesn't really want me. Just like he doesn't really want any woman. I'm good at reading people. I think it's a tiring charade to have. He never lets it down. I have a feeling there's only one person he loves and wants. So I tolerate his advances. I enjoy those nights too much to kill him yet. _Unless he already went back to the cantina and found some company..._

Footsteps come. I know them. They bring certain colours to the edges of my vision. I think about rolling away. But that's all I do. Think about it.

'What's up, kid? Can't take the ruff housing? Or wasn't the company stimulating enough?' I smirk a little. My tone is light. I don't have much of a humour.

He stops and takes in my star fish form. I casually pull my sleeve down. I don't want him to see that.

'Some shabuir started to bully a woman. Now he's bleeding on the floor. Thought I'd get some air.' He continues to walk closer. Think he found me not shooting him a permission to come and talk. 'Found an interesting trail of blood. Thought I'd follow it. Seem to be making a habit of it.' He's standing over me now. I feel small. An ant. A strong, cold ant. I avoid his eyes. But I feel him smiling. Just a little. In a serious kind of way.

'Don't you just hate it when that happens?' I can't smile. 'Find anything interesting?'

He walks casually to the vender stall. I hear a few locks break and a med pack and bandages fall on my chest. I don't move. They make a 'thump' sound as they land. But I don't feel it.

'Possibly have.' He sits down next to me. Elbows on his knees. Close to me. The silence is empty. It's funny, how silences often aren't. It's a little ironic. They are awkward, or comforting, or terrifying. It lengthens. I don't mind. Eventually, the rustling of my movements as I sit up crackle along it like lightening down a lamp post. I start to treat my hand. It hurts. I want to smile. But I have grown tired again of bleeding. _You have done your share in the past._

'I want to thank you for the help. Decent of you to let me in on the kill. You didn't have to do that.' His voice is deep. We sit side by side, facing different directions. Close but apart. I look at the space. My message is between us.

I think of many things to say in the silence that follows. I suppose he is a little silent. It's a nice change, after Mako and then Gault. Something continues to expand in my chest. I ignore it. Nothing can break my armour. Let it try.

'Just part of the hunt.' He grimaces. Nods slightly. 'But I couldn't have found him without you.' It's true. I had no chance without him. He smiles in that serious way again. It's small, but when you look, you can easily see it. I know what it's like to never have someone look close enough. _And to be the one that doesn't look at all. _'I was almost glad to help.' I tell myself that's true too.

'I'd say the same. Almost.' It's that silence again. I like it. It's uniquely us. No expectations. No tension. But it's not indifferent. And not quite comfortable. 'I'm looking forward to this. Not everyone gets a chance to fight alongside the Champion of the Great Hunt.' His voice flows deep and strong with pride. Only Cadera could pull off the combination of humility, disbelief and self-satisfaction.

'It's quite an experience, I'll tell you that. So would Mako and Gault. Though accounts would differ.' I lie back down. 'Though I can think of better things for us to do then fight.' I don't smile.

He nods his head as if contemplating the positives and negatives of such amusements_. It's not a philosophical debate._ I can tell he's just going to be our funniest addition yet. 'Something to consider.' And in the silence that follows it seems like he has already begun considering it. I sigh. _A young fool._

He stands up finally and moves to attention. 'Just say the word. I'm ready to move out.' _Not the direction I had in mind..._

I climb to my feet as well as the sun quickly rises. So early already. 'Off to the next shit hole it is.'

And so will begin our first adventure as four. Oh what exciting adventures await. I roll my eyes to myself. At least it will be interesting. It is different from being alone. I stretch a little as he walks away.

I look down at my own blood.

**It hurts :)**

'A little ironic. When you think about it,' I say to myself.


	13. Chapter 13

When I return to the ship, I wash my hands. And put on my armour.

I can tell Mako's angry with me. _Touchy girl._ She hides in her room and storms past me in the corridors. She'll come round. I figure I'll wait for it in my room.

I have mail. It's Mandalore.

'... _I understand Jicoln's boy is with you now. Take care of him. Here's got a legacy to carry on.'_

I sit. Still and unmoving, repeating the words over. Hours pass. I think Mako does come in at some stage. But I stay still. Something stops my body from moving. My mind thinks of things to say to her but they never leave my mouth. I'm sending the messages but it doesn't happen.

'_Take care of him.'_ I suppose it's what people called 'stunned'. It's in uncomfortable thought. But it has trapped my mind. A large part of me wants to move. Find a new place to go. Get some more credits. There's a galaxy out there I want to see. Because I am finally free. After many long years I am free. Hunted. But free.

Yet I stay. And sit. I am caged and petrified by a few words. And a boy.

Gault comes and goes. I start to move. Push ups. Stretches. Weights. My body is aching dully as it tears itself apart. But I still think. About a lot and nothing. Part of me that I don't recognise, that I refuse to recognise, is blissful. And it chatters. Yet I refuse to listen. Thinking everything and hearing nothing.

And so night comes. And I sleep.

In my dreams, I am killing men. When I wake, I am in the cockpit. A blaster in my hand.


	14. Chapter 14

**Later, while docked briefly on Nar Shaddaa...**

'So, what do you think of Torian? Cute, huh?'

I momentarily stiffen and stop half way through my thirty eighth morning push up. But then I quickly continue. I glare hard into the steel floor under me. _Don't remember ever allowing her to come into my room._

I don't look at Mako as she moves from the door way to my bed, sitting cross legged on the corner. _Definitely don't remember inviting her in._

I don't reply. And after a particularly long, hostile silence, she continues oblivious.

'I like him. I was thinking I might make a move on him. What do you think?'

'Over that punk on Nar Shaddaa already? Someone bounces back quick. Though you did spend four weeks crying into your gizka toy...' I lie still a while on my back and then make my way to the weights in the corner of the room.

'Hey! How do you know about that?' I don't reply and just smirk at her weak, blushing form. 'Whatever. Anyway, what do you think?'

'I think you're mistaking me for someone who cares. Do whatever you want. I'm not your mother. Just don't do it on my ship.'

She giggles. The sound is annoying and makes me scowl. 'Do you think I have a chance?'

I drop the weights onto the ground and turn to her slowly. 'How the fuck would I know? Go ask the stupid Mando punk, Mako. Fuck you're annoying.'

I pick up my blaster and walk out of my room. I pass Cadera at my doorway. _Seems I'm popular tonight..._ I smirk at him and as I walk past I carelessly say, 'wanna come kill some Black Suns?' _I wonder how much he heard._

He silently follows, picking up his tec-staff as we make our way off the ship.

When we return, an angry Mako is waiting for me. And I think about killing her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Two weeks later (still on Nar Shaddaa)...**

'Nice! Now I know we hit the big time!'

_Because getting access to the mythical Black List wasn't a big enough hint. _I continue to plot coordinates. Not sure is she's talking to me, Torian, or herself. I think it's the last. The silence lengthens. 'If you're gonna say something, Mako, spit it out already or fuck off. I'm trying to type coordinates.'

'Well, you might want to stop because we might change direction! I'm just so excited.' I roll my eye. She is grating. Constant prattle. Which she promptly continues. I don't listen to much. But I get the gist. Some company wants me to endorse something. Stims I think I heard her say. It's a little low. Not the pay. Just the job in general. But I don't care. Whatever works. But I don't have much time. Pain is getting worse.

Gault is all for it. Wants to help 'negotiate.' Says he thinks he can help get more for it. More I think he's going to claim in his 30%.

Torian is against it. 'Not how I'd want to be remembered.' He shrugs his broad shoulders. My chest pulls. I do agree with him. I have bigger ambitions. Bigger targets. The entire Republic for staters. By the time I'm done with this galaxy, endorsing a product won't even be a foot note.

'Might as well check it out. No promises though.'

**Quesh**

'I'm Moff Dracen. Head of Imperial Forces here on Quesh. You're here to help our war efforts against the Republic?'

'It'll cost you. My rates sky rocket during war time. Can't afford it then you're wasting my time.' He's underlings frown, and I smirk at them all. 'Your war, not mine.'

All I hear from the shit face punk with him is 'stinking mercenaries' and something like 'women don't belong on the battle field.' I'm not in the mood for this kind of shit. Taris gave me enough of it. So does Gault. And my body is aching. My joints are slowing. I can feel my body separating from the metal. It hurts. I need more sedatives.

'Ooo, you sound so important.' I punch him. Twice. Hard. He rubs his jaw. Tears brim in his eyes. He appeals to his commanding officer. 'Couldn't have hurt that bad. I thought women didn't belong on the battlefield.' I spit on his shoes. I hate soldiers. Imperial or Republic. There leaders are worse. Cadera watches, impassive and serious.

They want me to help with something or other. Political crap. I say I'll see if I can fit it in. I know I will do it. Pays too good. But I don't give a shit about their politics. Both sides burn the world. When the dust clears and both sides have lost, it will be free lancers and the underworld that rule what's left of the galaxy. I just want as many credits out of it as I can.

I just want revenge.


	16. Chapter 16

Cadera and I carve a path along Quesh.

We make a game of it. Quesh isn't really a fun planet. It's poisonous, foul and barren. The frequent pools of water splattered amongst dry hard dirt, bubbles and sizzles. Tress and anything green is rare. So of course the native wildlife have to be carnivores.

_Gotta find the fun where you can._ Not that I have eye for fun. I just need to avert my mind from the pain. I don't know how it happened. The game, that is. We stood with ten dead. I claimed six, he claimed seven. That's when we started counting. After we finish with the Republic soldiers and wait for the Walker to come down, we add up our totals.

'Fifteen Republic, four bat-birds, and ten frog lizards.' I feel triumphant. Liquid is running quickly through me. Almost like a heart is beating fast. Not my best. I held back. Thought it was good enough to beat a Mando trained punk.

His mouth twitches. Sweat is dripping from under his helmet. He takes off his helmet and wipes his brow. Blonde hair plastered to his forehead. I almost choke. Something constricted and I couldn't breathe. _Maybe my implants are too tight..._

'Who's keeping score?'

'I am.' I sound confident. A champion. But not a killer.

'Then you would know I killed seventeen Republic soldiers, two harvorisk and twelve lobels'. He gloats. His voice carries emotions in them when his face is stoic and serious. I feel his pride. His arrogance. _And his teasing. _I am impressed.

The Walker explodes in the background. I watch his face but avoid his eyes. I smile. I feel something close to glee. It is odd. I am excited. I stand quickly and run across the path. I jet pack onto one of the large mining droids, shooting the head I stand on. Torian arrives quickly after, skidding down the dirt slope to its legs. Stabbing and cutting.

'Try to keep up, Torian! You might learn something from the Grand Champion.'

He looks at me seriously, a curious expression on his face. The droid shoots. He only just manages to dodge. I laugh and continue to shoot. I jump off and launch a rocket in the air. When I land, I let go with my flame thrower. Torian does the same. We are in time. Killing is funner when you have someone to really share it with. The bond between us strengthens. I am almost happy. And that knowledge pulls at my chest.

Happiness isn't what I was born for.

We head to where the job is supposed to be.

Torian's mouth is in a constant state of twitching into a smile. Mine is a set frown. I feel flushed and I need to think. Something is changing in me. I'm hurting. The tranquilisers aren't working anymore. _I need their serum. _I try to think of the job ahead. I want to keep this short. Something doesn't feel right. _This better be worth it._

We walk in the door under a hill. I glance back down at the barren, toxic wasteland. _Nice view. _

When we enter, the director greets us just inside the entrance. He seems off. His standard flattery is empty, too serious and calculating.

'Skip the pleasantries, director. I want to get down to business.'

We move to his office and he calls for drinks. Soldiers come out. And a Jedi Knight. 'Well, not entirely unexpected,' I mumble to Torian. He raises his hands and takes a step back. What a naive reaction to a gun in your face. Mine is different. I pull out my own.

'Knew I didn't like this,' is his only reply.

'Save it for Mako,' I retort.

A tiny holo figure of a Jedi appears on the desk and the director, the holo Master and the real life Knight carry on with explanations as if nothing was said. It has something to do with the Jedi I took out - my last target in the Great Hunt. I remember. I killed his Padawan as well. And this situation seems to basically end in death or arrest.

'Touch me, and you'll end up in a body bag.' My muscles flex. My plating shifts and my skin ripples. I want them all dead. I feel livid and powerful.

'We can take them.' Torian's confidence is reassuring. I was never in doubt.

The Jedi pulls out his lightsaber. _Typical. _Its heat burns my neck. 'Not so tough now, are we?' But the jedi lowers his lightsaber on orders. I smirk. _Trained Kath hounds._

'Enjoying yourself aren't you? Not very Jedi like of you.' My leer widens at the flash of irritation I feel from him. They get so uptight if you mention anger to them. Jedi and Sith are both the same. Arrogant and flawed. Only difference is what those flaws are.

'Disarm them. They're a tricky bunch.' The holo Jedi Master gives his orders. I can tell the Jedi won't follow them.

'This thug isn't going anywhere.' _Typical corruption._

'Yes, I am. Once your all dead.' I enjoy the kills. It soothes me. The cold hatred is like a balm over my tearing body. We are efficient and merciless.

Only the tiny Jedi Master systems away is left alive. 'You've only made matters worse for yourself,' he says spitefully. I doubt it. Jedi are too weak for torture and they have already tried to kill me. A pathetic and pointless endeavour.

'Try anything like this again and I'll be paying you a visit.' It's a lie. I am already going to kill him. He doesn't have to do anymore.

'Justice will be done. I promise you.' I snort in derision and flick the call off. Justice is a pitiful ideal for the weak. There is no justice in this galaxy. You must make your own. Or have none at all.

'That will teach them to mess with Mandos.' A smile twitches my own lips at Torian's naive enthusiasm. I don't reply. My gloved hands remain on the desk. I lean on them. I need to steady myself. My body is suddenly weak. And he is close. Something is wrong.

His eyes are watching me. Considering and searching. His body sways on the spot. There is a wound on his shoulder. He almost takes a step forward but stops. One foot forward one foot back. My chest heaves. I remain impassive. My body is weak and in pain. But I go to him.

I pull out some med pacs and begin fixing his wound, gloves off. His body has no scars, except the clan scars that shape his cheeks. This wound will be no different. There will be no scar left behind. He continues to watch. Staring at my hand, at my eye. His gaze lingers on the thin metal rods that run under my skin, from my knuckles to up the darkness under my armoured arm. I don't want him to see me. I don't think he'd understand.

'Kellian Jarro. You took down the 'Mandolorian Killer'?' Spoken slowly.

'You seem surprised.' It hurt me. And just for a second, when my eye looked into his, I think it showed. _Underestimated again. _But it had never hurt this much. I gesture with my strong, smooth and pale chin to my hands. _I was created and made to be the greatest weapon. _I say it indifferently. But only in my mind. It is a fact. It is what I am. But I have never spoken the words. Suppose part of me thinks if I don't say it, it's not really true. After all these years, somewhere and somehow, I cling to this belief.

I don't want him to know who I am. 'Didn't stand a chance.' It's all I can say.

I finish my job. I stand and walk away, leaving him to sit and stand alone. I know he is a gapping fish. His mouth opening and closing for air; trying to form words to project across the silence. The distance between us.

But an alarm sounds

They finally come. 'More trouble.'

'I thought the body count was low, anyway.' More killing. I immerse myself in it. I channel my frustration through my movements and kills. I try to kill the hurt in me. The anger. _The disappointment. _They run from down the stairs. I jump, twist and plunge amongst them. I set them all on fire. They are dead before Torian reaches us. I walk on the burning corpses.

We grab the stimulant and leave. We don't talk. We don't compare kills. As we break into the now night sky, Cadera only says 'I'll cover your rear.'

We head back the ship. We have seen enough of Quesh.


	17. Chapter 17

**Back on the ship**

'So, we on easy streak now or what?' Gault is eager to see the money. Most excited I've ever seen him outside of a cantina on Nar Shaddaa.

'No, Mako blew it. She couldn't tell it was bogus and a Republic setup.' I'm not that angry. A little insulted They couldn't face me head on. No traps. No lures. I'm also a little disappointed. Thought They'd had enough time and money invested in me to deserve more.

'What? But-how? The letter was one hundred percent legitimate. I traced it back to Andascorp and cross checked all the signatures.' She is disbelieving. Her pride's a little hurt. She failed one of the few tasks she has. And almost killed us. Think the concern's more for Torian than me.

'No harm done. But that doesn't mean I want excuses. It was legitimate. They were cooperating with the SIS.' Still. She should have foreseen it. But suppose there was no way to know.

'The SIS? We have to be seriously careful then to stay off their scanners.' No. We have to hit harder. Until we get the big guns. And I tear them apart. Piece by piece.

Bloodworthy calls. He's got a new target for me. I can't wait. The conversation is relatively brief. When his figure disappears Torian speaks first.

'What's our next move?' _Always eager for action._ The Mandalorian is definitely growing on me. A little too much.

'We've got another black list mark to deal with. Have the black lists coordinates logged by the time I'm ready to head out.'

They nod to follow my orders. All dispersing. I head back to my quarters. Torian hangs around my shadow a little. I don't want to talk. So I dismiss him with an order to rest. I didn't hold back on the way back to the ship. It hurt more then I could ever describe. But I knew he couldn't fight as well while his shoulder was mending, and he's a terrible shot with a blaster. Didn't want to make it obvious though; can't have his precious Mandalorian pride hurt. He'll be fine tomorrow and my sacrifice kept him breathing. Isn't that much of a big deal.

I wash my face and clean the cybernetics around my eye and ears. They have blood in them. I stare back at myself in the mirror. The metal patch over my eye is large. A small red light can be seen in the centre. A targeting device. Thermal vision. Night vision. Telescopic vision. Micro vision. Everything including real vision. _Except x-ray vision, actually._ There is only one scar on my face. It runs from my forehead, behind my patch and appears again on the other side. It ends down my cheek, puckered and white.

I used to look like a perfect porcelain doll; white with blushed cheeks. Naturally cherry lips. Now. I still look like a doll, only I'm broken and terrifying. Cracked and poorly glued back together.

I thump my fists on the metal sink. I scream in anger. My fists goes through the mirror. It shatters. The pieces splitting and multiplying. Blood splashes. I thump my fists again and again on the sink. I crumple to the ground.

I hear Torian silently standing outside the door as Mako tries to bang it down. I don't answer. They don't break in. I feel him standing there for a long time. And that makes this hurt even more. Every reflection of me is a hideous insult. For the second time in weeks, I am bleeding. But this time, I hate the reminder that I am alive. I want to be more than I am. All that thumps in my ear is the single word and I loathe myself with passion.

My body is torn in pain. Metal plates fail to keep this feeling in. Keep this thing out. Split fragments of myself stare back at me from the jagged shards that litter the ground. They scream a single word. And I silently and tearlessly cry.

_Disgusting._


	18. Chapter 18

**On the way to Hoth**

'You know, _Champion, _I know your secret.'

I snort. Gault looks at me calmly. He takes slow sips from his drink and doesn't say anything. I don't either. Gault's opinion isn't worth more than my pride. I know he will talk first. And so the silence drags out. We're sitting in the make shift bar in the engine room. The old, unused mattress we sit on is against the wall. It's like a couch. Used to be in the cargo hold before that become Torian's room.

'You were hurt.' He lifts a lazy arm and pokes my chest. His drink spills, drops falling from the bottom. I take the empty hand that has fallen from my chest. I bend the fingers back until there are tiny cracks. I am careful not to break them.

'You know, you really are violent.' I roll my eye. Having only one minimises the impact. But it's a habit I haven't been able to get rid of. He continues. 'You want to hide that under anger, death and, the classic, work.' He is talking differently. More from the heart. The edge of mockery is missing a little. I don't like it. I know there's more to Gault than on the surface. But I don't want to see it.

I deny that he is right. I think about punching him. I think about leaving the room. I think about making good on my threat from back on Dromund Kaas. But all I do is think about it.

'You became heartless because it was easier. Easier than feeling. Facing the fact that you feel. Have a heart. And someone hurt it.' An interesting insight. I didn't think Gault noticed much. I suppose this is where the cliché line 'it wasn't like him' comes from. Strangely, I feel sad. And there's an ache. I want something I don't want to name.

'You want everyone to feel the pain that you feel. You're good at pretending. I think you have convinced yourself that you are the role you play.' He finishes his drink. 'But now you can't keep it up anymore.' The mocking grin returns. 'You like Blondie too much.'

He is so very, very wrong. He started so well. A beginning moment of truth in his misguided lies. I shake my head. I move the crushed hand to my chest. His eyes widen a little. There is no beat. 'Heartless,' I whisper.

I stand and leave. I think I will kill Gault in the morning.


	19. Chapter 19

There was always confusion when I woke up. The dream would slip away and I would not remember my reality. My eyes would stay open and darkness would remain. I would panic. Try to thrash. Limbs bound and struggling against unseen things.

And then the pain would start. A light turned on. And I would remember. The hours of wakefulness filled with pain as my body was cut, things removed and changed. Mutated. Sometimes, he would show me the skin he sheared away. I could feel the heavy metal plates that they grafted on instead. The fire. Welding. Not really sure how it worked. Fantasy and fact joined together in my delusions. I would imagine. And I am sure what I imagined came nowhere close. But the pain was real. And never ending. Letters and words cannot describe what it felt like. They are insufficient.

My eye was last. The scalpel blade disappearing into nothing as it come to cut out my eye. I am not sure how my scar came. I try not to think about it. In the coming years, I created stories to tell to others. To scare them. Or impress. A large monster. A Darth. A psychopathic father. Nothing I could imagine was ever as horrifying as the truth. They paled in comparison.

When I passed out, they would often stop amputating. They would start as soon as I wake up. But I don't remember everything they did to my chest. I know I wasn't awake for the worst. But I remember their work on my eye. The pain. The flashes of vision. For a very long time, things blurred; half thermal vision and targeting, half normal. It made me vomit. Eventually, I managed to change the thermal to normal. It took awhile. But it was worth it. Better then fighting half blind.

Hearing was also hard to control. Hearing everything. Every beat. Ever step. Every whisper. But eventually, I managed to control it. I had to adapt to survive.

A hatred cultivated in me with every cut. An anger. It swallowed all sadness or hurt at a betrayal. I swore to annihilate the Republic. Destroy this place. These people. Him. I waited. I knew I would have to wait years. But it would come. My righteous fury. My justice. My apocalypse. I would make the world as ugly as it made me.

I only had to wait. The only thing worth saving was what remained of my life. The only thing that was important was freedom.

_I will be free. I will make my own rules. I will rule. _

The mantra of the caged and helpless.


	20. Chapter 20

**A few hours later after talking to Gault and before landing on Hoth.**

I fear I will never be able to heal my soul. I hide the damage from sight. I hide my emotions from sight. Sometimes, I think I just imagine I have emotions. _I wish._ M y body is a constant reminder of the monster I am meant to be. Inside and out. I guess when you wear a mask for so long, when you pretend for so long, you can't remember what was underneath. The real and the fake join together and form something new. Something undefinable. And possibly, irreversible.

I suppose Gault was partly right. But I can't go back to the way I was. That was a different person. I am the corpse that they left walking when they died. All that remain are a few old habits. I am _his_ perfect executioner. Even in my freedom. And even in his death. I just don't know how to live again. _But I want Torian to help me._ I shake my head. _Stupid, idle thought._

Torian sees me looking at him. He stares back across the crates. Open. Something close to a blush comes to my cheeks. I feel shame in my reverie. _Don't like anyone, huh? _Voices tell me I should carry on. He would never help me. I am nothing to him but another warrior. And a Mandalorian. A champion. A man. A leader. A captain. A hunter.

I have never thought of what kind of person I am. Not after it. _I am a killer. _But as he stares at me, a question in his eyes, I want to be what he likes. I want him to see good things. Somehow, people always never truly believe I can kill people. Or that I can hurt them. I want to know what they see before then. What did Gault think of me before I shot that pathetic Padawan? I know Mako disapproves sometimes. She thinks me heartless. I used to think so too. _I still am._

_'We're not like Eidolon, right? We're different?'_

_Fuck this kid is annoying. I hate people with consciences. Always regretting. Always being troubled. I don't care who we are like or not. The only difference I really care about is that I live and they die. As long as I remain the one that walks away. 'Who cares, Mako?' _

_Not what she wanted to hear. She wants to know we are 'good people'. We're not. But this is what I am. I was made. And it can't be undone. _

_She keeps talking anyway. She does too much of that. 'I mean, assassins kill people for money. You kill people for money. How are you different form the Eidolon?' _

_I notice how the 'we' turns into a 'you'. 'I am alive. I am better. That's how. Everyone I kill deserves to die.' The galaxy deserves to die. There is nothing in it worth saving. Nothing important. _

_'I hope that's true, because otherwise that makes us the bad guys too.' _

_It sounds like she wants me to care. Reflect and change my ways. But I don't care. I just want everyone to die. There is no good. Only shit and corruption and pain. I will make this world into my image. They will suffer my righteous fury._

_I want revenge. Against the galaxy. And if that makes me 'bad' then so be it. When I am done, it will be burning and scarred. Mutated and ugly. It's already heartless. I don't have to do that. _

I shake my head. I feel like I'm changing. I don't know where it's leading. Nar Shaddaa and the Eidolon already feels so very, very long ago. Even Taris does. It's only been around a month since we left Taris. A month since he came aboard. _Or something around a month. Maybe two._

'Been watching you work.' He looks at me cautiously. He is looking for something. Trying to catch my eye. I avoid them. We are more silent tonight. Something still aches. _'You killed the Mandalorian Killer?'_

I look at my plate. We eat on a make shift table in the storage area near the door. It's made from large containers with god knows what in them. Never thought to look. The smaller ones are used as seats. Torian likes it there. I just like the company. Everywhere on this ship is where I like to be. Never had a home. Always thought they were overrated. It's nice to be proved wrong. A first. But still nice.

The food is crap. None of us have an affinity for cooking. And anything is definitely better than the droids cooking. I live in fear of hearing the words 'I've prepared a new meal for you culinary pleasure.' But it's alright. Gault is in his room, making calls. Scamming people out their money. The usual. He's got some plan involving water and salt. I told him I would help. For a share of the profits. Mako is out getting a few things for me. I expected her back tonight. If she were here, I wouldn't be.

He continues to stare. It's disconcerting. I've been stared at in many ways, but never like that. Usually we sit in silence.

'You're an amazing shot.' His voice is thick with awe and respect. _Disbelief. _And his voice is rough. It's a man's voice. Somehow, it doesn't quite suit. Inside, he has aged. Outside, he is a young kid.

I resist the temptation to reach up to my eye. _Where it was._ So my arm just twitches by my side as the other continues feeding me. It still hurts to think about. I pump sedatives in me daily to stop the real pain though. Not much can be done about the other wounds. Many replies go through my mind. But I don't want to make the kid uncomfortable. He doesn't need to know. _I don't want him to know._

'I should be. I'm a Champion.' _And I have a targeting device in my right eye..._ He nods. I've noticed he does that when something is said he doesn't agree with. Or he hasn't gotten the answer he wants. I shovel more food into my mouth. 'Don't make it far in this business if you miss.'

'I've seen successful hunters who couldn't shoot to save their lives.' He spreads his hands wide, almost knocking off his untouched drink. I smirk. It makes me think of all the hunters I killed to get here. They weren't anything. We continue eating.

I lean back in my chair. I raise my drink. 'So you've been watching me this long and all you have noticed is my aim?' I smirk over my drink. The action always shifts the cybernetics painfully. 'I'm disappointed.'

I'm hurting myself by doing this. Making him look at me. I'm not Mako. I used to be worth looking at. But that was a long time ago. If you're in the shadows, it doesn't matter what you look like. But when he looks at me, to know he really has been watching me, bleeds a part of me. And I wish I was more than what I am.

He smiles. They have been getting bigger. Still serious but... different. I want to make him grin. 'Less likely to shoot me if I only mention your aim.' My sneer changes to something else. Torian had seen me kill enough men, and especially after Taris, to know. The funniest jokes are often the truest. And that makes me hurt a little more. I hate this thing in me. It's been growing. Changing me. And it screams in pain at the thought that he will never touch me, or love me. That I am more likely to shoot him then sleep with him. What a fool. _Him or me?_

His smile retreats. 'It's nice to see a professional in action.' His eyes quietly look me over. I am self conscious. I remember my conversation with Mako. I wish durasteel looked as good on me as she said it did. 'Quite the view.'

I instinctively reach for my gun at my hip. But I let it fall. He sees. Taken aback. And it hurts. I laugh. I drink.

The droid walks in at some stage. 'Have I mentioned how much I enjoy serving you, master?' I wave him away. 'I am a lucky droid master. That is all.' He walks away with a toddle. If droids could whistle, I know it would be.

Torian ignores the interruption. He is staring. And thinking. I top up his still full drink, filling my own. 'Drink, Torian.' His face twists a little quizzically. But he obeys. So very serious.

'I like you calling me Torian. Not Cadera.' I instinctively look in his eyes. _Mistake. _Back to eating.

The silence goes on a little. It's evolving from Taris. More tense. More emotion. More something. I don't like it. I am a cat in a box and I want to get out. I'm scared.

I look out a small window. 'I know what you mean, by the way.' I look at him slyly. I try to seem suggestive. Nonchalant. 'The views not bad from here either, Torian.' He smiles. No nod. I am relieved. My muscles tighten and relax. Feelings are strange.

He smiles a little. 'Glad to oblige.' He drinks. I feel him beaming inside. Makes me beam in response. I can his heart beat quickening. It's a little endearing. He's sweet for a Mando kid. And my own blood pumps quicker. Yes. Feelings are very strange. Always been good at reading others. Not really my own. Don't usually have enough.

We don't eat anymore. It's gone cold and changed colour. _Don't think about that. _I decide to leave. Go and do something. Maybe practise my shooting... I push the crate back and pick up my plate. I start to walk away. I feel him watching me. If I still could, I would blush. 'You know, if you ever want to see more... I'd be happy to give you a better view.' I nod. And walk upstairs. A small lie. This is the closest to heaven that I will ever be. _I will not give in to hope._

My boots are loud on the steps. Part of my mind is shouting at him. At me. Because I know I would give up forever to touch him. But everything is made to be broken. I just can't let him know what I am. Clang, clang, clang. In between steps, I think I hear Torian speak.

Mako returns. As I take off my armour and stand naked and alone, I can hear her laugh. And in my minds eyes, I can see Torian grinning.

A ghost stares back at me from cracked mirror. She can never be seen. She is white. Silver cuts emerge like vines from under metal plates. They are patch work on her skin. Her shoulders, her thighs. And they cover her heart. Melded to follow the curve of her chest as it rests between them. He didn't want them covered completely. So the odd, rectangular plate is only in between, not even covering half of each breast. It continues under the left one. It meets the long skinny plate down her spine that ends in a sharp point. Built on plating.

There are dark shadows under her skin. Metal moulded to bone. She moves her hand to touch the area of her heart. It hurts. I can't feel a beat. I have never felt a beat. Not for nine years. I am scared there is nothing real underneath. That all I am is empty mechanics. Cold.

_He is smiling. 'You will be our perfect little killer.' The knife shines. 'You were born a killer.' He looks into my eyes. 'Innocent and heartless.' He begins to cut._

But something is hurting.

I take tranquilisers. I put my armour back on. I lie down to sleep.

_Clang. 'I'll remember.' Clang. 'You said that.' Clang._

It still hurts.


	21. Chapter 21

**Torian POV**

* * *

She's avoiding me.

Hurts a lot. I just watch her from across the crate. She's beautiful. I don't know how she doesn't see it. She was born to be a goddess, but she doesn't seem to notice. Everyone else does. I clench my fists when I think of Gault. _Hut'uunla di'kut._ I want to tell her these things and more. But I know she would only laugh and smirk. I'm just a Mando kid to her. A means to an end.

I remember back in the trap, after the fight. I saw the pain in her stance as she tried to fight something inside her. The way she leant on the desk like she couldn't trust herself to stand alone. I want her to lean on me. On reflex I took half a step forward. I reached out my hand. _I'm stretching but she's just out of reach._ I want to kiss her. And take it all away.

But I can't. I don't want to die like that. I know that's all that would come from it. So I take another step back and drop my hand. The movement disorientated me. I became aware of the wound on my shoulder.

She watched me and walked over, taking off her gloves. Her hands are soft and gentle. It's a little surprising. I want to hold them in my own coarse hands. The studs on her knuckles are amazing. I had never seen them that close. I remember what they did to the man on Taris. They only make her more beautiful. Never met such a strong woman, even among the Mando'ad. They don't compare to her. Not even in the same galaxy.

I looked at the thing in replace of her eye. Wonder if it hurts her. I want to know what happened to her. But I can't ask. She doesn't want me to know. I know that's why she avoids my eyes. I see more then she thinks I do. I have no doubt of her skill in battle. I don't find it hard to believe she killed the Mandalorian Killer.

So I guess I was just an ade in awe. 'Kellian Jarro. You took down the 'Mandolorian Killer'?' Means she should be famous amongst the Mando'ad. A celebrity. Makes me sad she isn't.

'You seem surprised.' Her eye met mine and I saw her hurt. I saw my mistake. Sounded like surprise and disbelief. Didn't mean to offend her. Never want to offend her. She motioned to her hands. 'Didn't have a chance.' I looked at them again. I think what I have since I first saw them: what happened to you? Her bones can be seen, dark and metallic under her skin. They disappear up her arm. I wonder if it stops.

She finished and walked away. I didn't know what to say. My mouth opened and closed as I think of saying a hundred different things. None of them were right. I finally decided what to say.

But a sudden alarm cut me off before anything came out.

'More trouble.' It didn't do justice to what I wanted to say. But I suppose that's all I'm ever going to cause for myself. I don't mind. Never been one to stay out of trouble.

'I thought the body count was low anyway.' I couldn't agree more. Nothing is more thrilling and intoxicating then fighting with her. My cyare.

I let her kill them. She needed to. I like the way she fights through her pain as if her enemies were an embodiment of it and her past. I respect her. But that is an understatement. Feel a lot more than just respect.

We left. 'I'll cover your rear.' It's all I can ever say.

On the way back, she fought harder. Tried not to show it but I know it was to compensate for my shoulder. To protect me. Kind of flattered by that but I don't dare read into it. After we got back and she filled the others in, she was quick to wave me away. I know the order to rest wasn't in concern for my shoulder. But on her way down to the Deveronian, there was concern as she made an inquiry. I look into her eyes now and try and find that same concern.

She almost blushes when she sees me staring at her from across the rudimentary table. I don't mean to. Can't help it. I want to know what she was thinking. What she spent hours talking to the Deveronian about. What he said that made her so hurt and withdrawn. Image of his hand on her chest is burnt into my memory. She was already a little off since earlier on Quesh. He seemed to make it worse. Don't know what to say to make amends. All I want to do is erase her pain. I can still hear her cries.

_I look at the flower._

_It's finally finished. Took me a few weeks. Harder by working on only memory. But not much. Remember every moment with her perfectly. Remember her approval at killing Jicoln. Remember the rush of fighting next to her. Remember the concern she tried to hide. The fierce grin she let slip when killing. The darkness that came around her and made her so alive. _

_I run my finger over the petals, feeling the tiny grooves that are almost as thin as those on your fingers. It catches the light that comes down through a gap in the steps, it's silver mirror surface creating rainbows in the air. I like sleeping under the stairs. Not much choice I guess. Rather get eaten by a malraas then sleep near that Deveronian. But no complaints. Better here than back with the Mando's. Guess I miss my friends and Corridan, though._

**_Thump._**

_I look up, alert. Sound came from the shower. I listen intently but no more come. My gaze returns to the silver flower. Would have been quicker to finish if Mako wasn't always around. Surprised she's not sitting with me now. Guess she's hiding in shame after the make she made about Quesh. I don't want to go make her feel better. Not my place. Not my way._

_I put the flower away in the crate where I keep the other things. I take out a barrel I'm working on and fiddle with it. Should be finished soon. My next order of metals should arrive soon too. I put the barrel away and sit. Cyare's been in the bathroom awhile. _

**_Thump._**

_It was louder this time. I stand alert in the cargo hold, ready to run up the stairs. But no other sounds come. Think I might hear something like a scream. But I dismiss it. I take my shirt off and pick up my staff. Start to go through some basic forms. She runs a tight ship. Tougher than Mando'ad. Didn't think that was possible. Even got the Deveronian working on his aim. He tries to not let the rest of us see. She expects our best. I want to give her more than that._

**_Crash._**

_I drop my staff mid twirl and listen. The sound was like shattered glass. I hear distinctive crying. I run to the bathroom door. But I don't dare touch it. Mako is there a split second after. Deveronian's nowhere to be seen. Mako bangs on the door, shouting for her to open it. The door stays closed._

_Mako gives up and leaves. But I stand there for a long time. I'm too weak to open it. But too strong to leave. I can't bring myself to knock and call to her. So I listen to her sobbing instead. They burn my ears and echo in my mind for hours after. I know I can't do anything. And we are not supposed to hear or know._

_So I left her to suffer alone._

_I don't think I'll ever be able to live with that._

She shakes her head at something she was thinking. Makes her red hair wave like a crimson flag. I like it when she doesn't have it slicked back for battle. I decide an approach to making amends.

'Been watching you work.'

She doesn't offer a response. Just eats and avoids my eyes. I like the way I make her squirm like this. Never seen her do it in the presence of anyone else. Even Sith Lords. Makes me a little sad though.

'You're an amazing shot.' I try to let her hear how much I respect her. That I know what she's capable of. In the weeks and then months to come, I will look back and realise how very little I actually knew.

Her arm twitches. She always wears full length clothes. Never seen any more than her face and hands. I want to know what's underneath. Seen too much of Mako. Don't want to hurt the kids feelings by telling her I'm not interested but I never take her up on her offers, either. Guess I should. It's only getting worse. Don't think she could get any further away from being my type.

Cyare shovels more food into her mouth and speaks with her mouth full. 'I should be. I'm a Champion.' I nod. True enough. Don't know what answer I really wanted, but it wasn't that. I know she was thinking something else. I want more than her strong shield of arrogance and cold indifference. I don't believe that's all she is. I know there's more. Guess if there isn't, I'm in love with an impossible dream.

'Don't make it far in this business if you miss.'

'I've seen successful hunters who couldn't shoot to save their lives,' I quickly reply. True enough. Image of Jogo is strong in my mind. She doesn't reply to that, but I see a smirk on her lips. I vaguely eat some more food. Not sure if this actually is food. I don't touch my drink. Being drunk near her doesn't seem like the wisest move. Not sure what I'd do. But my track record isn't spotless. Don't know how Gault is still alive. Spend a lot of time wondering about that. Others have been shot dead for a lot less than what he says.

She leans back. Surprised she doesn't fall off the crate. Perfect balance. There's that smirk on her lips. But it's a little different. There's a painful twist at the end. 'So you've been watching me this long and all you've noticed is my aim?' She raises the drink to her red lips. 'I'm disappointed.'

I almost grin at her. But I'm still cautious. Don't think I'm beyond getting shot yet. 'Less likely to shoot me if I only comment on your aim.' Her teasing smile twists into a frown. Something dark passes over her face. Like she's in pain. I just want her to know I'm her's to hold.

'It's nice to see a professional in action.' I let my eyes take her in. Guess I'm being a little bold. Might not need to drink to be stupid. Figure I might die tomorrow any way. What's a few hours difference? 'Quite the view.' Guess I'm fond of understatements when it comes to her.

She reaches for the gun at her hip. Half draws it. It was a reflex. Too quick to have thought about it. I flinch back. I don't take it personal. But I can't help but think of Gault again._ Never drawn a gun on him. _

She just laughs as if that can make it go away. As if it was a joke. _What happened to her? _

I study her. Wonder what she's thinking. I want to know. The droid comes and interrupts us. But I don't even glance up. Given up pretending to eat this food.

Cyare tries to pretend nothing happened. She pours more rum into my glass. It's almost over flowing. 'Drink, Torian.' She doesn't look into my eyes as she says it. Just somewhere near my mouth. Her hand gesturing to my glass.

I nod a little and obey. Never disobeyed a direct order. The rum is harsh. Don't know how she drinks it. Seems like water to her. She doesn't even try to make it seem like she doesn't taste it. I wonder if she can.

I like the way she started to say my name for the first time. Not ashamed of my clan anymore. Just like to hear her say my name. I guess I look at her curiously. She started to after we competed. I know I won. But that was only today. I feel like I didn't see anything near her best.

'I like you calling me Torian. Not Cadera.'

She looks me in the eye for a moment. But then immediately away. There was something like shy embarrassment in them. She keeps eating. I wonder if she realises that the food is changing colour. She gazes out the window a little. Wonder what things look like through her eyes.

'I know what you mean, by the way.' She looks at me out of the corner of my eye. My body immediately reacts. Her eye moves down. 'Views not bad from here either, Torian.'

'Glad to oblige.' My heart is beating quicker. My body is hot. I want her. I want her to lean on me like she does Gault. I want her to sleep next to me like she does him. I want her to want me. I want to have her. I drink some of the rum from my almost empty glass. For a change, I'm the one that looks away. But it doesn't last long. My eyes are a compass needle and she is my north.

She fidgets. Doesn't eat though. Think she finally realised the food had gone from a bland grey to blue to orange. She stands to leave. I don't know what to say to make her stay. I don't want her to leave.

'You know, if you ever want to see more... I'd be happy to give you a better view.' Her voice and eyes are suggestive. So is her body language. I want to take her up on that here and now. My body is more than ready. But something told me she didn't mean it. Didn't want it. And before I can say anything or respond, she's already walking up the stairs.

'I'll remember you said that.'

Don't think I'll do much but remember for weeks. Remember and imagine. All I want is to be closer than words. But I feel that this is the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Thanks for everyone reading this far. Please keep reading. :)**

**It will get a lot better very soon. Just four or so more chapters until it does. ;)**

* * *

**After landing on Hoth**

It takes a bit of time for Mako to get a connection to the channel we were given for the next Black List target.

When we do, I'm not surprised to see a Chiss. He is dressed in expensive robes, and doesn't seem to bother with pleasantries. Never cared for them myself, but the thought always counts. Means I might almost think twice before shooting someone.

'This is a surprise. This holo frequency hasn't had an inquiry in some time. I believed there were no longer any interested parties.'

I shrug. 'It's because you look cheap.' I smirk at his surprised and offended look. Gault chokes. I like shocking him with my wonderful diplomatic abilities. This Chiss looks the opposite of cheap. 'But if you've got a job, consider me an interested party.'

The target is a legendary Trandoshian. His names Reneget Vause. Doesn't sound too tough. Reps are rarely anything to go by. And Mako still sleeps with a bed light. Her fear isn't a good judge. Guess the only way to know is to face him myself.

'Vausse appears to have joined up with the White Maw, a massive confederacy of pirates pillaging Hoth's starship graveyard.' They've been hitting Chiss targets and damaging business.

'Sound like my kind of people.'

Gault snickers in the background. 'Maybe you'll finally find that someone that shares your interest in making craters in the ground.' Torian coughs uncomfortably and Mako giggles.

I smirk at Gault. 'Nothing says romance like setting off a few bombs.' I wink at Torian. He looks away with slight embarrassment. But I can see him making a note of it. And a pleased glint in his eyes. I don't let myself read too much into it. _Doesn't mean anything._

The Chiss coughs for attention. He gives some details of the situation on Hoth and their agreement with the Empire. I'm fully aware of the situation on Hoth. Was here only a year ago.

The Chiss signs off.

**Hoth**

On Hoth, we talk to some contacts, get a few large jobs. Our intel of how to draw out the Trandoshian is coming from a Jawa named Blizz. Last place I ever expected to see one. We sleep on the planet for a week, starting to track down the new target, do some odd jobs. It's all on the Chiss' tab, of course. Things have warmed between Torian and I again. We fight as one.

On the seventh day the wind picks up. A blizzard is coming. Not exactly something you want to be out in. I don't fancy the idea of having to cut open a tuantuan and sleeping in it for warmth. Not my idea of a fun night. If each planet in the galaxy has a polar opposite, Hoth is Tatooine's. The entire surface of Hoth is jagged ice and plateaus of snow. The sky is either just as white with clouds, or shining blue with a burning sun. If you don't watch your step, you can fall off a cliff or down a snow covered pit. Neither are fun options to me.

We fight native wildlife and Talz all the way back to the Imperial base. When we reach the cover, doors closing behind us, I pant 'twenty four Talz, seven wild cats and three wampas.'

Despite the stimulants for cold resistance and our warm furs, it still seeps through. I don't mind so much. Don't really feel it. But Torian does. Under his serious bravado and stern frown, I hear his teeth chatter and his body shiver.

'Who's keeping score?' His voice is strong and firm. I wonder how he pulls it off when his teeth are chattering so loudly in my ears.

I smile. Pain is rushing through me but I laugh. 'You were. I saw your lips moving. You were counting.'

He almost grins. Almost. 'Twenty two Talz, four Wild cats and five Wampas. I would say that's a tie, Champion.'

'You wish.' I punch his shoulder. He cringes. And I pass out laughing.


	23. Chapter 23

_'Hey. Couldn't smell you coming.'_

_Cadera turns his head form he had been squatting, watching the rakghouls below. He eyes me curiously. I shrug and join him, bodies tight next to each other in the small space. 'That Mandalorian humour?'_

_'Not a joke.' His blue eye tries to look into my eye. I keep it focused on the prowling rakghouls below. Not gonna tell him why I never smell. Rather not think about it. 'Did you get it?'_

_'Single handed.' I take out what I gathered and pass him the large air tight case. He opens it and evaluates the contents, nose not even cringing. 'Next time, you crawl through the sewerage.'_

_'Do you know botany?' I scowl and make a slight shake of my head. Only know what is poisonous or what can be. Not much use if it can't kill anyone. ' Didn't think so.' I like the way he isn't scared to challenge me. Kind of refreshing. 'And who says there'll be a next time?'_

_'For this,' I gesture with chin and hand to the case he has already begun mixing things in, 'I'll make sure there is.' I return my eyes to the area below and listen for any sounds behind._

_'Not sure I like the sound of that.' I throw him a leer and we settle into silence. I move onto a rock at the very edge of the cliff and rest my back against the cave wall. I close my eye an wait. _

_Half an hour later and he's done. Was getting bored. Thought about going back a bit and seeing if there were any rakghouls left. 'Smear it all over you. Will throw them off our scent. Not sure how well in their den though. Keep your distance.'_

_I take the past and begin the process. Isn't so bad. Gault and Mako and just wimps. Deducted money from both their pay for not coming. Gault wasn't too happy about that. Tried to say he called make up for it in other services. I just shot him down. Almost literally. He was quick on his feet._

_'Ready?' His eyes never left me as covered my armour in it. Hope it doesn't wear the paint off. _

_I nod and he picks up his blaster and tecstaff. 'Stay behind me. And close.' I make of the cave entrance and begin the climb down. He makes a reply but don't know how he means it. And I don't look to see. So I ignore it._

'With pleasure.'


	24. Chapter 24

There's always confusion when you wake up from a deep sleep. Sometimes, the dreams are so genuine, you find it hard to believe the world you suddenly see is real. There is confusion. The dream still lingers, and you feel that as it slips away, you are losing something important.

I was only out for a minute. He is leaning over, hands to my neck for a pulse. His face is, as always, serious. And as my eye searches his, I see a moment, a silhouette, of fear. I push him away. I stand up shakily but alone. I don't need help. I need to be more careful than that.

'Had no pulse. Thought the worst.' I don't look at him but walk away.

'Don't worry. I'm not dead.' _Yet. _'Come on, let's get that drink.'

I still haven't found that something. But I'm getting closer. He is getting closer. I will find it soon.

Just a little while longer, and I can return.


	25. Chapter 25

Torian and I stop to get a drink from the cantina.

We don't talk much. As we leave he stops in my path. 'Want to talk when we get back to the ship.' My chest tightens. It's a statement yet his voice speaks it as a question. We have been talking more recently. At dinners, he tells me of battles and his heroes. Says I remind him of a friend. Still don't know if that's good or bad. I don't talk of my fights. They're far from honourable.

I am tired. Nights are restless. Memories prey upon me. I need more sedatives. When we return, I take some tranquilisers in my room. They aren't working. I lock the door to my room and take off my armour. I look closely in the mirror. The skin around the plates is starting to peel. Yellow is seeping from raw patches. I touch it. It stings. I'm falling apart. I will need to return to them soon. I suppose that's why they haven't attacked me. Only watched. I've already found six tracking devices on this ship. I know there are more. Haven't bothered searching for them. They knew I would have to come back. Next time, they will never let me go. I'd like to see them try and keep me. For now, I will hold back.

I put some loose clothes on, covered neck to ankle. I put some boots on and then my gloves. Look at my face in the mirror before going down. It hasn't started to deteriorate yet. I try a smile. It's a forced, fake thing. My red lips stretching to white; cheery elastic straps that reveal white teeth; rectangle pearls separated at random by small white pyramids. It's a terrifying smile; not ugly, but not your typical beauty. I stare at the fake, queer thing for a long time.

But pain racks through my body again. I double over. I wait for it to subside. I bite my tongue to hold back the screams. It's bleeding again. My teeth dig into partially healed cuts. I have been hiding this. Pushing through it out there. I wait for the time to come back here. And crumple.

Slowly, I leave my room. Dinner is ready. We eat at the small table in the part between the holo room and bridge. It's the four of us. Gault tells anecdotes. Mako tells jokes. Amusing bites at the news and leading figures. Torian smiles in a serious way. I listen. I focus on their voices to keep me locked on the ground. Focusing on that lessens my awareness of the ache in my body. It helps me keep control of something inside me. Eventually, Gault gets some more wine. Much more wine. Mako passes out and Torian carries her to bed.

Gault and I haven't talked after our last conversation.

'He likes you.' I raise my fist to punch him but Gault quickly 'whoa whoa whoas' me out of it. 'I didn't say you liked him. I'm merely saying. It's obvious he has a really big thing for you. Don't know why, but he does.' Gault shakes his head and has some more to drink.

'A little jealous are we?' I sneer at Gault. He scoffs. And smiles a little. I shake my head. 'Nah. He's got a thing for Mako.'

'Noooo, in your crazy screwed up head he has a thing for Mako.' I don't believe him. I shake my head and pour us some more wine.

Torian comes back. He stares at me. Pointedly. Gault laughs, nudges me, and wanders off. I scowl at his back.

Torian and I move to the cargo hold. We sit on our crates and continue drinking. He tells me a few Mandalorian legends. I know them already, from years back. But I like listening to his voice. It soothes me. It brings them to life. They start breathing.

But his eyes are uncomfortable. There are things in them I'm not sure I want to acknowledge. I feel they will see the pain behind my eye. The worry and hurt. The fury. The disgust._ The rot._ The dark blue eyes watch me as he falls silent. I look at my gloved hands resting on the table. I flex my fingers. I shiver when I imagine the decay under the leather.

'Mind if I ask you a personal question?' He tries to shrug it off as nonchalant.

I hold back my flinch. I try to sound derisive. Like I don't want this. 'Gona make me talk about my feelings already?'

He smiles in that small way. ''Fraid so.' I can't help but return it.

'If you want to ask me something then ask. But, if I answer it, then I get to ask you something personal in return.'

He doesn't smile anymore. I don't know where I stand now. No nodding. But no smile. 'Fair enough.' He shrugs. I think that's good. 'Why did you enter the Great Hunt?'

I waver. It makes the pain come forward. Turns into a sway. I grip the 'table' to steady myself. 'It's not something I can just sum up. Lots of things led to it.' Seemed natural. After my first kills. After my training. Like I was born for it.

He nods. He isn't satisfied, but doesn't push. I am thankful. 'Next hunt that's called, I'm going to enter.' _So much to prove._ I didn't think I would live to see what came after the hunt. Not because of a rival. They are weak. Easy. But because of what stalks me. Them. My memories. My body. Myself.

'Worthy aim.' My turn. 'Why did you decide to come with me? You got your honour back. Why not stay?' I'm curious. Never thought to ask. There some questions I can't answer. Maybe there are some he can't answer as well.

'That's two questions.' He's teasing. I don't know what to do. 'You're much prettier than the Commander.' He tries to meet my eye. He's sweet, in a serious kind of way. His mouth twitches.

'That's not hard. Means you would have run away with the first Wookie you saw too.' We laugh a little. 'So you think I'm pretty?' I scoff a little. I don't want to hear a lie. And I don't want him to know how much the answer will matter to me. My chest aches.

His smile twists into something teasing and mocking. 'That's not how this game works. I think it's my turn now.' I nod. No lies. 'But it is the truth. You are.' He looks away awkwardly. He takes another swig of his drink. He leans forward and forces me to look at him. 'Are you seeing anyone?'

What I don't spit out of my drink I choke on. It breaks my concentration. Pain. I can't stop it. I stay still and don't move. I didn't expect this. Sudden and blunt. _Very him._ I cringe a little. I hope he doesn't see. I can't look at him anymore. I look into my drink. _Don't like anyone, huh?_

'No, it gets in the way of business.' I feel him nod. _Miss. _'But I might be persuaded, by the right guy.' I try to sound casual. Subtle. He smiles. _Hit._

'I'll have to remember that.' _Seems he wants to remember a lot. _His eyes are intent. This is stupid. I am being stupid. He's just a kid. Don't do this to him. _Don't do this to yourself._

'What about you? Is there a Mando girl?' My vision is going black in my real eye. The world shifts from real, to thermal, to real, to thermal. I flex my fingers. Concentrate on other things. They are hard to move. I am slowing down. I need to leave. I should leave. I think about walking upstairs to my room. About walking to the cockpit and setting a new destination. For once, I don't do what is easier. I only think about it.

He leans back. Always watching. I'm scared my face is starting to weep. There is a ringing in my ears.

He considers me. 'No. Thinking about it, though.' I don't know what to say. I try not to think it, but amongst the ringing it echoes in my mind. _Maybe Gault was right._

'So tell me: what does Torian Cadera look for in a woman?' I smirk at him. Tease. I hope it covers the pain and anxiousness inside.

He looks away, partly due to mock deep deliberation. Partly from embarrassment. It's a little endearing. 'Think it was my turn.' I sneer a little. _Nice avoidance._ 'What kind of guy does a Grand Champion of the Great Hunt go for?'

'Don't know about the others, but I'd have to say... they have to be able to kill. And like to kill. That would be necessary. And strong. Loyal. Genuine. Honest. Have a great body.' I give him a twisted, teasing smile. 'Someone like you.' I look at his mouth. It kind of opens and closes a little. His teeth flash as he smiles. I wish hadn't spoken straight away. Wanted to play it off as a joke. I didn't want to put myself in the open. Wasn't thinking straight. _Or at all._

I look away. 'My turn. My question still stands: what does Torian Cadera look for in a woman?' Don't want the answer but I don't want the silence that was coming. I look at him. He's looking away as well. His heart is beating fast and his breathing is heavy.

'She has to be Mandalorian. And she has to be a better shot than me.' He looks at me out of the corner of his eye.

'Guess that rules Mako out twice then.' We laugh a little. My chest feels relief. Didn't mean to say it out loud though. 'But aside from being Mando, you just described everyone on Hutta.'

He laughs and throws his head back a little. I want him. He has a large smile on his face, but he hides it behind a hand. 'Ouch. Guess I'll have to check out Hutta, then.' I like it when his serious face is open and smiling. I like making him smile. It's like a small victory. He leans closer.'I was hoping there might be one closer around, though.' I choke. I can't breathe. I can't look at him either. He is staring at me intently. No missing his meaning. Not even for me.

'So never left any Mando girls heartbroken on Duxn, then?' Don't think there were no girls. Just not many. _'Sometimes I wish he had.' _Mustn't of been easy for the kid. Would have been tough. But I know there's worse.

He shrugs. 'A few. Couldn't say they were heartbroken.' He shrugs again. It's history. I can tell from his voice he didn't like them much. No touchy history there. Feel a little relived at that. Not sure I like competition. _When did I start thinking like this? '_ They didn't meet my third requirement.' His smile is teasing and gorgeous.

'And what's that?' I have to ask. Though a proud voice in my head hates me for it. I can't resist him. That smile.

Torian leans closer to me. I find myself leaning in to. 'She has to be pretty.' He winks and leans back, chuckling a little. I like the way he teases. I like the way he smiles. It make my body stops for a moment and then start again faster. I feel flushed and look away. It brings the pain back. My spine, my chest, my hands. They ache.

'Come on. It's late. We fight the Maw pirates tomorrow. We can talk later, cyare.'

I stand and leave. I can't speak. So I don't reply. I have things to think about. I walk slowly up the steps. He watches. Just a few more steps. I fall in the doorway to my study. My body half slithers and half crawls to the foot of my bed. I struggle out of my armour and I pull the blanket off my bed and lie on the ground.

Everything goes thermal.


	26. Chapter 26

When I wake, I am on my bed. I flex my fingers. They move. Good.

The world is thermal again before I lose consciousness. There is something red next to my bed.

Reality is blurry. My dreams are painful. Memories. In some, I am still in the Organisation. Some are things that could of been. What can be. In all of them, I am happy. And as I wake, the happiness always slips away. _But it's getting closer._

I stare at the ceiling of my room. I slowly test my bodies capacity for movement. Everything is working. Everything is fine. But when I try to lift my arms, they are pinned down. Tied down. I can't raise my head to look. I can't lift my body. I am aware of someone walking to the intercom in my room.

'She's awake again.' Torian. 'It's her'.

I wet my lips. I try some words. Nothing comes for a while. I gather my strength. My thoughts. Torian has moved to a seat next to me. So close.

'What is this for?' I struggle against the ropes to show my point. They have been tied well. Torian's work. Mako could not tie a knot to save her own life.

'Precaution. We didn't know what you would be when you woke up.' He shrugs. Matter of fact. This is how it is. A logical move. A safe move.

I am scared. I wish I could run away. Or see myself. I pray that I'm in armour. That it is not visible. But I can't feel the comforting heavy weight of any. I think about crying. I have no tear ducts. So it would be an empty gesture. After a while, I gain composure. Gault and Mako have joined us. They are wary.

'Untie me now or when I break free I will kill you all.' I mean it.

'That's what we're scared of.' Mako sounds quiet. Afraid. Angry. Hurt. Always been good at reading people's emotions. Never been good at giving a shit. And Mako's are the last persons I give a shit about right now. We're not friends. Not to me.

I scream in anger and frustration. 'I want to look at me!' They leave the room together. I can hear their voices above the ringing in my ears. Of all my cybernetics, I like that one the best.

'Can't find anything?' Torian.

'... There's even less to go on than I had. There is no record of her anywhere. She appeared four months before the Great Hunt. That's when Braden... small... I don't know what this is. It is beyond Imperial Intelligence, SIS, and any other known Republic group. ... no record of any experiments even close to that level. I'll keep ... I thought I had it bad. She must have been laughing at me. Hating me. I was an idiot.'

The ringing interrupts what I can hear. Mako was right. I have been. But I don't care about her. Well, just a little. But if living, even as this, meant killing her, then I would. Freedom is worth more to me than her. Or Gault.

I feel a crushing in my chest. They have seen me. Torian has seen me. In my mind, I see Mako crying. Torian is hugging her. Comforting her. And that image burns. I laugh at Gault's empty suggestions. I was right.

'It certainly explains a lot.' Gault. The harsh edge of his mockery is dull.

'Suppose it does.' There's a pause in their conversation. 'We should untie her.'

'She tried to kill me!' Gault's voice is indignant. 'And you, Mandalorian.'

I wince. Something inside me splits. Shatters. Crumbles. Burns.

'It wasn't her. We need to ask her.' Torian.

'Fine. But I'm not going to be there to see what happens.' Gault leaves the ship. _Typical._

I pass out.

One pair of footsteps come up the stairs. Colours blossom around my eye. I'm scared. I close my eye and concentrate on breathing equally. I never imagined that this day would come like this. Wonder what I did exactly. But I suppose it doesn't matter.

The door slides into place and locks. We are alone. I want to crumple. To become invisible. And strangely, at a moment when more should matter, I want to be beautiful.

I feel him watching me for a long time. I keep my eye open and stare to the ceiling. Not that I have a choice. I feel his eyes roaming. I hate this feeling. To be vulnerable. Open and alone. Defenceless. I become angry. Without thinking, my body pulls against the ropes. I want to attack. Defend myself.

I close my eyes. Slowly, I stop moving. But it's still there, as it has always been. The anger. The helpless rage and hatred. The desire to kill. Animals and petty warriors are not enough. I need more than weak Jedi. I need Sith. My vision is thermal. I only see blue.

I break the ropes easily. Somewhere, something close to a heart cries to me to stop. I jump to my feet. Torian is a cloud of warm colours. My body walks to him. He only stands. My hands reach his neck. They squeeze. My vision is flashing. Thermal and real. His eyes look into mine. He sees me.

I let go.

I want to walk out the door and never see him again. I want what's easier. But he stands in the way. I walk to my cupboard. There's nothing left. Only broken viles. I sit on my bed. The knowledge that everything I hoped for is over, is a cold hard stone in my chest. My hopes were for nothing. Everything is for nothing. I think of the last time we spoke._ How long was I out?_ I hate myself for it. I was an idiot. And I deserve this. Things like me can never know happiness or hope.

I am only in my small underwear. I look to my body. It is still decaying. I had hoped to finish this one last bounty. I know I won't make it that long. Myself preservation chip is setting in. Next time I sleep, I will return to them. And kill anything in my way. I sigh. It chokes at the end. A cough. A splutter. Orange blood and something black come out. They land on the floor in front of me. My foot traces some letters. It stays between us. I don't need to bleed anymore to know I am alive.

I am disgusted by myself. I hate this thing in me. I hate this part of me. I hate me. I find some clothes. They are torn and broken. I open the draws and find some others. I put them on. The easy path is no longer pretending it's not there. But old habits die hard.

He stands immovable. Watching. His gaze never leaving. I look into his eyes. I have nothing to hide. No questions that will remain unanswered.

Everything is made to be broken.

Even us.

**This hurts**


	27. Chapter 27

'I grew up on Correllia. Lost my parents when I was six. Literally lost them. Or they lost me.' I shrug. The motion hurts. 'Depends how you look at it. Doesn't really matter. I lived on what credits and supplies I could take from dead men. Buildings may all be broken, fields destroyed, scarcity of food, but there were more than enough of dead men.' My voice is shaking. I am finding it hard to hold myself together. Physically. Memories are jumbled. Torian just stares. Impassive. Serious. Watchful. Ready.

'I tried to find them. Running in circles. I remember calling and crying. I searched over a hundred dead bodies hoping to see my parents. Don't think there's much sadder to some in a child hoping to find their parents dead. Because if they're not dead, they're gone forever. But I didn't find them. I was hungry and wanted food. And shelter. Our home was bombed. I found credits I needed on dead bodies. The shelter I needed in evacuated houses.

'I never thought of them again. Not until now. No point. I don't care for family. As I grew older, life was more dangerous.' I shudder and fight the anger. 'I found out what men do to women. I already saw what they would do to each other. And so at fourteen, I gave up all ideals or hopes for the galaxy. There was no hope for good or happiness. Everything deserved to burn. They all deserved to die'. My words hang in the air. The exception stares at me from across the room.

'I met a General. The General. My General.' I whisper it quietly. Never used his name. 'Anyway, I think I was sixteen or seventeen. Could of even just been fifteen. I'm not sure. Years blur together. Such things as clocks and calendars do not define time. Events do. He caught me looting the corpses of his men. He gave me shelter. A real house. He would visit. Tell me stories. He taught me to fight. It amused him.' I shrug. And of course he expected something in return.

'Still wonder if a few years of relative protection and security was worth it. If I knew what was going to happen, would I still make the same choices? Knowing what it would cost me? Knowing that it would bring me here?' I shake my head. Useless questions. Doesn't matter. I can't change it.

'And I... loved him. And I had no choice.' I watch Torian. His mouth tightens. He nods. His body stiffens. I want to think it's jealousy. But I am not an idiot.

'When he was away commanding his army, I would practice in the empty base. I trained for a year. And then I slowly killed all the men that had ever raped me. I made them suffer.' I can't stop it. It takes over. When I come to, I am sitting on the floor. Torian is bleeding. Inside my chest, something is bleeding as well.

'The General watched. He saw potential. He had never believed I could kill men. He thought me weak.' I spit on the ground. It's clear and flecked with red and black. And yellow. 'I was taken to Tython. He took me into a cell. Asked me to fight for him. To be an assassin. I said no. I did not realise how free I was until I was caged. Until I was in that cell. He tortured me. Changed me. I had no sedatives most of the time. He wanted me to feel it. They broke me. It only took a whole year.' My voice falters.

'The lead scientist and doctor was a man by the name of Needles. When on Taris, I had hoped to finally confront and kill him, since his defect from Havoc Squad. But they got to him first. I don't think you can understand what it's like to have ten years of planned revenge taken from you by another. To be so close to killing them only to have another beat you there by only hours.' I breathe deep and let go. 'He enjoyed what he did in that room. And I didn't even get to kill him.' I shiver and try not to break in front of Torian.

'It was there I learnt weapons like me aren't born for happiness.' Torian stares at me. For a moment, I think I see him falter. Waver. A tighter frown. A larger grimace. Words trying to knock down the doors of his lips.

I shrug. My voice is hard again. I've never spoken of this before. 'It was dar'yaim and haran.' _It was hell, a place you want to forget, and it was destruction._ His eyes widen. There is pain and sorrow in his eyes. Don't think it makes him realise I can speak Mando'a.

I skim over details. He doesn't need to know how they teach you thousands of ways of tortures on your very body. 'I was trained to fight with every weapon. In every style. I was taught codes of Jedi, militaries, Sith.' I look hard into Torian's eyes. 'Madalorians.' I let the word hang. He doesn't react.

'I was taught military strategies, learned leaders, other languages, cultures, memorised every planet. Inhabitants, skills, weapons, technology. It only took two years. Amazing how quick you learn when torture and starvation are the alternatives.

'The cybernetic implants in my brain help. A recording of everything.' I tap my cybernetics where my eye should be. 'There's a camera and recording device. It plays back here. I just close my eye, think about what I want to see, and it's there. Poof. Easy.' I shrug. A benefit. But I still memorized everything. I try not to rely on the things they have given me. I turned off their translator. I would learn what I needed on my own. 'And I wanted it. The power. Status. Knowledge.' My ears are ringing. I think I might be shouting. 'For five years after that I killed Sith, Moffs, Hutts. And I liked it a lot.

'I was their assassin. When I was not on a job, days were spent in the Organisation's torture chambers. The place enemies and traitors of the Republic disappear to. Was one of the best at that. See, the Organisation didn't just take in Imperials, Hutts, scum, rebels and Mandalorians. No. They also took in their own.

'Because the Organisation is separate. It isn't ruled or even known of by almost all politicians. It was once, long ago. But then power and greed corrupted the hearts of leaders and it was needed to serve the people in secret. The gun that shoots in the dark so the Republic was kept stable and the good reputation intact.' I shake my head. _Such a load of bantha crap._

'Nights were spent with the General at parties. I was his only body guard. He didn't need any more. In my free times, I trained. Was the closest time to freedom I ever had.

'Every night I would plan his death. The man I loved. I waited six years for the opportunity. He became sloppy around me. Underestimated me. Still. After everything. Knowing what I was. They had let me keep my gun, eventually. The one I picked off the last man on my list. One night, I tied the Generals hands and feet. I cut him with his own knife. I made him feel what I felt. I made him bleed. I made him a reflection of myself. An ugly, deformed monster.'

I look into Torian's eyes. 'I pressed the gun to his head and pulled the trigger after eight long, blissful hours.'

_'Pow'. I look into his green eye. 'You're dead.' It widens. I pull the trigger. _

'He was my lover. My torturer. My teacher. General in the Republic army. And leader of a secret Republic organisation. And I would kill him again if I could.'


	28. Chapter 28

'Got a good crew.'

I laugh. 'Not many complaints.' He nods. 'Except ones about how long Mako's in the shower and Gault spending all our money. And Mako's constant whinging about her family and her using the holoterminal to watch crappy holovids. And her complaints about the food. And just Mako in general.'

I'm alone on the floor. It is cold and comforting. My legs are crossed. It's late. The wall keeps my back straight. He hasn't moved. Still standing. Staring. He makes a good guard.

I sigh. Wonder how long it's gonna be till he lets me out. Already been a day. Know I can make him. But I don't really want to.

'It had gotten a lot better since you got here.' I close my eye and rest my head back. 'With you here, it is a good...' I mumble the words. I don't just mean in the ship. Soon or later, it will all be over. I don't want to miss him tonight.

'No complaints.'

_Sweet lies. _He sits on the bed across from me. I see it in thermal. I can hear his heart beat. It is a little faster than normal. He glows steadily red at his core. I open my eye. 'I am still here.'

We sit in silence. I look at his neck. It's red and purple. Must hurt a lot. 'Haven't been part of good company since Eriadu. Missed it I guess.' He shrugs. I smile. Another story. The pain comes up. Skin tearing from metal. I am tired. I want to sleep.

In my dream, I am watching Torian fight with other Mandalorians. They are fighting some unseen enemy in smoke. By the deaths of his company, it looks like an army. Torian is the only one left standing. The figure points its arm at his head. The smoke clears. And I see me. 'Pow.'

My eye opens wide. I am on my back. Torian is pressing down on my chest. Hands pinned to my side. Legs kicking. I smile. 'Didn't imagine it going like this.' I wince as his grip tightens on my arms. His face is close. Apart from before and when I heal him, this is the first time we've ever touched. Never thought it would go like this, if it ever happened at all. 'Always thought I'd be on top.' I try to laugh it off as a joke. His frown tightens. Makes my laugh a little real.

Touched even Gault more than this, and that's not including all the times I've punched him. Sometimes, I would wake in the rec room in the months after Tatooine and find Gault and I lying on the ground together. Or we would just sit close. Never sexual or loving. Just wanted to feel close to something alive. Both seemed to hope that if we were close enough to something else living, we would start to.

Guess I got more of that then Gault. Can't say when I decided to acknowledge that I like Gault. We fight. But it's part of our understanding. Our friendship. Weird to think of having such a thing. So laughable that my only friend is Gault. Don't know what Torian is.

I test his grip. It holds. I am defenceless. At his mercy. I don't feel angry. There's only an emptiness. And a happiness. I don't know when I decided to let love in. But it has nowhere to go.

'You can stick with them from now on.' I breathe him in. 'If you like them'. _Like me._

He nods. It's decisive. He doesn't move. Doesn't loosen his grip. 'Good to know.'

Hours pass. I slip in and out of consciousness. The pain is back. Strong and overwhelming. He never lets go. Never leaves. 'Gotta have someone watching your six.' He nods. He does that a lot. He looks away and pretends to be deep in thought. 'I wonder what clan Ordo is doing now.' I laugh and scream at the same time. The pain is so strong.

In these hours, my thoughts went in loops. Broken and spaced by memories. With him here, I now realise what is important.

And for it, I want to live.

'I have to go back.'

Torian shakes his head. _That's new._

'Took a serum every morning. Stopped the skin decaying around the metal and separating. I need it.' He continues to shake his head.

'Leave and wait on Hoth. If I am not back in month, finish the bounty without me then proclaim me dead. Protect my honour.' That sways him. His grips loosens. I throw him off me. His head hits the ground hard. He doesn't move. I can hear his heart beat. I leave and lock the door. I check the rooms. No one else is in.

I go to the cock pit and set new coordinates. It's time.


	29. Chapter 29

I return to Hoth in 35 days.

But I do not return with Torian.

Somehow, I let Torian out. He wanted me to. I was too weak to deny him. I lost a lot of control. I hurt him in those days. Physically. And maybe something else. What we had will never be the same. Our bond may be stronger, but we lost something. There were no stories or drinking in those nights. But I needed them. I'm not sure I'm ready for this stage where talking becomes unnecessary.

Guess I didn't really open myself to the option of drinking. Spent the time I wasn't training Torian in the bridge watching the stars as we floated or travelled aimlessly to shake off any pursuers. Or I stayed in my room. Kept reading that datapad over and over. Looking for some hint on where to find It. Know I'm not ready to find It though. Need to find some other things first.

I am different now. My body is the same, but I have changed. I am not sure how yet. But I feel it. I killed everyone I found. I took what I needed. And then I burnt the place to the ground. It burned away a part of me.

It took two days to reach Tython. We planned and strategized. The attack took another three. After that, I spent eight days healing. Torian never left. He contacted Gault and Mako who remained on Hoth. I don't know what Torian had to say, I didn't listen in, but I know they will come back and join us when we return.

The serum is working. The pain has become something I can almost ignore, kind of like Mako's constant prattle. But then I am on only three doses and taking as many meds as I can find. Results are interesting to say the least. Suppose it's the lack of any real result that is most interesting. Still hurts like fucking hell, but it doesn't stop me from doing anything.

My body has almost regrown what it had lost. Scabs falling off to reveal white, thin skin. Strange how quickly it's happening. My chest still has no beat, but I have found something that I can live for. Without a heart. I still wear gloves. And armour. I hate the memories of Torian seeing me. Alone, I wonder if he can still see something worth looking at. If he ever did. But when I am with him, this sadness dissipates. It is enough that he is with me. In this small way.

Nights are far from fun. Memories haunt my dreams. Worse I've ever had. Pain feels so real, as if it was happening all over again. Sometimes, though, I'm the one torturing someone. And sometimes that person is Torian. Not sure what to do with that. Always wake slightly calm though. And that's kind of terrifying. Think the worst dreams are the ones where he is in the room, holding my hand and watching over me. Because I know that will never happen.

Three weeks before landing on Hoth, we reclaim our old seats in the cargo hold. They are dusty. Apart from that, it's almost as if there has been no change. We drink. Speculate on what havoc Gault and Mako would have reeked on the unsuspecting Hoth. And we sit in silence. We don't need to talk.

'That friend I said you remind me of? Got a holocall from him a week ago.' The way Torian never speaks in full sentences amuses me. Very Mandalorian. So direct. I suppose I kinda sound the same. A lot the same. Not quite sure what that says about us. 'Turns out Corridan heard about us taking down Jicoln on Taris.' He pauses a little. I wave him on. 'Sent me an invitation.'

'A friendly invitation?' I stare at the carbonite man in the cargo hold. I still find it hard to look Torian in the eye. 'Didn't draw a line in the sand I hope.' I draw a line between us in the thin layer of dust. It clings to the tip of my leather gloved finger.

'Over Jicoln? No, he'd have done the same as us.' I like the way he speaks about his father. As if his blood did not run through his veins. Another thing we have in common.

'So, what kind of invitation?' I can't imagine Madalorians throwing birthday parties. The thought makes me smile a little.

'Said he's hunting big game. Offered to let me in on it.' I don't know why I didn't guess. 'Plan to take him up on that. Now that we're done and heading back to Hoth soon.' So. He'd stayed with me this long. I feel a little... touched by this. I know how much the hunt would mean to Torian. I am surprised he hadn't left earlier. When I think earlier, I mean straight away. Everything is too raw and soon for happiness that he stayed with me. I don't really know what we are. Where we stand. But I'm hoping it isn't in quicksand.*

'Wanted to let you know.' I nod my head. But if he leaves, I know he might not come back. When it comes down to it, would he choose a place as a Mandalorian at Corridan's side, a place as an equal in a clan? Or would he come back to the woman who tried to kill him and her two other 'companions'? Yes. It is obvious where you would want to be. Mako and Gault are only here because they have no one and nowhere else. And because there's big credits involved.

'Won't be long.' I look him in the eye. So, I'm that easy to read now. He knows me too well. It still terrifies me. I suppose it's not surprising. _And I like a man that surprises me_. I've never needed someone before. Not even the General. It's a new and petrifying experience. And his voice was gentle. It makes me bite back a retort. Literally.

'Not going to introduce me to this friend of yours? Or is it no girls aloud?' I poke my tongue out a little. A juvenile move. I think it might be bleeding though. But it makes him smile. 'Or are you just scared I'll upstage you?' I smile a little. It's a tiny, wavering thing. I still find genuine smiles hard.

'I'd like to see you try.' He smiles a little more. Slowly getting bigger. He leans forward. Dust clings to his elbows. 'But I don't like competition. With you along, Corridan'd spend the whole trip trying to impress.' I laugh it off. His voice was light. But he always looks so serious. I don't want to be led to hope again. I thought it was over once. I thought we were broken. Before we even began. And I don't want it again.

'I want you to meet him,' he sounds intent. Serious. 'Got catching up to do first.' This stops my laughter. I don't want to think of what Torian will have to tell. I can't imagine him having many good things to say. It doesn't occur to me that Madalorians earn respect and status through battle and skill. I don't think Champion of the Great Hunt could make up for anything. It doesn't occur to me that Torian would claim me as his hunt to others. It does occur to me that you would have to be seriously fucked up to want a woman that tried to kill you repeatedly. Guess Mako's card is back on the table. _When did you think it wasn't?_

I nod. I can't speak for awhile. 'I'll meet you back on Hoth. Stay alive.' It's all I can manage. He has a bag packed already.

'I'll see you again. Soon.'

And then he was gone.


	30. Chapter 30

**Torian's POV**

Set in the time between Tython and Hoth

* * *

_'Torian!'_

I remain still under the sheets except for my open blinking eyes. My body is drenched in a cold sweat and the blankets cling to my naked body as I sit up slowly, careful to not make any noises. My ears are straining to hear any noise from her room.

I'm not sure if the cry was only in my nightmare or real. My dream still clouds my mind and ears. I can still feel part of them back in the nightmare. Images of her body falling to the ground dead with Jedi standing over her victorious as my own body stands petrified, only watching. Felt so real. Looked so real.

I press my palms to my eyes and shake my head, trying to throw off the dream. It was nothing. _Nothing._ I breathe deep and look through the stairs to her closed door. Wonder what she does behind that door. Remember her guiding me through the Organisation, speaking as unpassionately about each room as it was a tour through an unremarkable, old building. But she never met my eye. Wonder what was going on behind it.

She almost let things slip when she walked past her old quarters. One she shared with him. It was one door she didn't want to open. Just calmly placed a thermal detonator on it and kept walking. Don't think I'll ever stop marvelling at the way she always manages to keep walking. Don't know if I could shoulder so many things like she does. Don't know if anyone could. Guess it's like Gault said. It does explain a lot.

But my fists clench and I throw myself back on my hard, thin mattress at the thought of the Deveronian. How could he walk out on her just like that? _Hut'uunla_ _di'kut._ Corridan's call comes back to me. _Aren't I just about to walk out too? Isn't it what you're gonna do as soon as morning comes and she wakes? Now that the op is done?_

I sigh and stare at the steps above as if they might suddenly reveal an answer. Don't know what to do. Don't know how I can't feel angry at what they made her do. At what he did to her. This General. Made me more than a little angry. Didn't know what to say though. Didn't want her to see how much I felt for her. How sad it made it me. And how jealous I was. Think that night was the closest we'll ever be. Still want to be closer. Want to know what she was like before she was taken. Hate that this General was the one to know her. Don't think she could ever deserve to suffer. Not what she was born for.

All only makes me love her more. Not like I'm perfect. Enjoyed my share of killing others. Enjoyed killing my own father. Know it's not the same. But probably closest I'll be to experiencing the same.

I sit up again and dig through the crate. Eventually, I pull out the flower wrapped in velvet. Stare at it for a long time. Don't know what to do with it. Not really my style to make such a thing. Not sure it's her style to receive them. Wonder if she was ever really loved.

I wrap it away again and hide it. Guess I should sleep. I lie back down and stare towards her room.

'Torian!'

I grab a shirt and pants from the pile in the corner and run to her room. Seems I never imagined it after all. When I stand panting and heaving in her doorway, I see she is still asleep. Sink down to the ground, catching breath and shakily pulling on my clothes. Don't know what I was expecting. I look from my crouching position to her body. Blankets are on the floor. They reveal her vulnerable form in nothing but an old shirt.

But I don't look at her. Wouldn't be right to look at her like that while she lies with wrists and ankles tied to the corner of the bed in invisible bounds only she can see and feel. I slowly stand and walk to her, picking up the discarded blanket on the way. I stop and watch her face, unable to decided what to do. She whispers fevered words in between tortured groans and though I can guess of what she dreams, I know it's beyond my understanding. Don't think anyone could understand how much her memories must hurt. _How much it must of hurt._ I only want to know how long she has been crying in her sleep alone while I sleep oblivious below. While everyone sleeps. While she sobs my name. I clench my fist around the blanket. _Di'kut, Torian._

'Torian.' Before she finishes my name I am on my knees next to her bed, grasping her cold hand as I throw the blanket over her with the other. Her eye is closed and her breathing is heavy. I know she's still asleep. And there's nothing I can do to change what haunts her. What has been done. But this time, I will not stand and listen, doing nothing. She needs me to be stronger than that. _I want to be stronger than that._

'Need you. Help.'

'I'm here, cyare. I'll protect you. Always.' My throat constricts a little at the end and I choke the last words out. But she smiles faintly in her sleep and some of the shadows seem to leave. She relaxes and curls into herself, her body facing me, ours hands under her cold cheek. The way she holds her knees to her chest with her arm screams of a desperation and I wonder if this is her attempt to stop herself falling apart.

Not sure I'll be able to keep that promise. But I know I'll try.

I watch her. Seems I've been watching her for months from so far away. From the first moment I saw her in the Great Hall on Dromund Kaas. Never really noticed at first how her face was like that of a doll for ade. But sometimes, all I see is that pretty face. She's beautiful, even when covered in blood. All pale, porcelain skin, flawless and translucent. Flushed cheeks and shining red lips. But it's her eye I like best; hard and shining like silver beskar.

But she is broken and hardly holding it together. In her sleep and dreams, she falls further apart, breaking and crying alone. I want to fix her and put her back together. Want to be the balm to her blistering soul and show her what to live for. Show her how to live.

When I feel her dreams are peaceful or empty, I move to leave, trying to slip my hand away. She grips it tighter and my knuckles crack. An expression of pain crosses her face. And I wince as she keeps squeezing tighter.

'Don't leave me.'

I frown and look at her perfect figure, largely hidden under the blanket. My dream comes back to me. Funny. Because it had left me thinking the same thing about her. Don't think I'd be anything without her. Wasn't anything but an arue'tal before I met her.

'Please.'

And then Corridan's call is back. And my answer. My packed bags and ready words that were waiting for the morning.

'I won't, cyare.'

Her face becomes blank. Pain and anger evaporate. But it doesn't look alive. A broken, lifeless doll. Wonder what she is when you take away the hurt and anger. Keep hoping there's something more. But I guess even if there isn't, I'd love her anyway. Never had a choice in it. But if I did, she'd be it anyway. No matter what she has done.

So I sit. And find myself unable to do anything but watch her.

Think about back on Tython. Each room. Had to choke back vomit more than once. She only did once. Don't think she knew what was behind that door. Can't imagine what it was like to see them lined on the beds like that. I shiver. Think any Mandalorian would feel terrified at it. Wonder what she found in the terminal. Kept reading the datapad on the way back. Couldn't read her expression. She locked herself into her room as soon as we reached the ship. I look around her room. Datapads open on the small table next to me. Must have fallen asleep reading it. Can only see the word 'Secondary'. Tempted to pick it up and read it. But I don't. Have no right to even see that much.

Few minutes before dawn, I leave her to wake alone as she would expect. Took a while for her to let go of my hand. Stronger then I had guessed. But I know she wasn't even trying hard. If she was, I'd be forced to stay sitting there with more than one broken finger. As I slip away and close the door, I know I will be nothing but a dream. And I think for now, that is enough.

When I go down stairs, I wash my face and look in the mirror. Necks fading back to normal. Angry purple of a week ago is gone. Few more days, and there will be nothing left. Not really angry at her attack. More hurt. Guess she wasn't herself. Don't know what it was, and I don't really want to. I look at myself in the mirror. Wonder what she sees. I shrug my shoulders at myself and leave.

I call Corridan in the Deveronian's empty room.

When he answers, he's in armour. Can hear shouts and laughter amongst the static. When he speaks, it's clear and sharp. 'Torian. You on your way? Better hurry. We're two days from the start of the hunting grounds.'

Before I can answer, Jagger appears at Corridan's shoulder. 'Torian! How goes the post under the Grand Champion? Or does she let you go on top?' He laughs at his own wit. I roll my eyes and smirk at him. Something I seem to of picked up from her. Makes me smile more.

Corridan nudges him away with a scowl and an elbow. But when he turns, his small holo figure is smiling slyly. 'Rumours are as rampant around here as a herd of bomas. Better come soon if you want them to stop. Everyone's excited to see you. Can't wait to hear your... stories.' I scowl at Corridan and he laughs lightly back.

'Can't make it yet. Finished the op. Was gonna leave this morning but I've got something I have to do first.'

His laughter stops. Not the news he expected. 'Must be on a tight ship. Sure you can't make it earlier?'

I'm tempted to leave now. To write a note and slip through the exit. But that's not me. And I can't do that to her. 'Expect me there in seven days. Send me coordinates of your camp then.'

He nods and shuts off. Should leave me the last three weeks of the hunt. In the silence it leaves I can hear cyare going through her morning workout. When she walks down two hours later, her armour on despite the ship floating in space, I see the pain of each step as the corner of her eye slightly twitches. I see the rigid back that refuses to break in front of me. Under her armour, I know she is falling apart. And I know that I made the right choice.

I would stay forever if I thought it would make her smile.


	31. Chapter 31

**Torian's POV**

Set on the way to Hoth

* * *

She sits on a crate against the wall and watches me practice with the tecstaff.

Her crunching on the cereal is loud and her eye makes me more than a little self conscious. Shouldn't of taken my shirt off. Normally don't with her. Not that I don't think I'm attractive enough or got any scars, I just don't like to feel so exposed around her. 'Specially after that night.

_She staggers up the stairs._

_I watch her go. She seems to think I don't notice the pain she is in. Been getting rapidly worse since Quesh. I notice. But I don't know what to do. Don't think she'd want the sympathy. Or the questions. So I watch her leave. Her pride makes her stand straight. But tomorrow, I think I might ask._

_I look at her empty crate. I think about following her. Going and seeing if she's ok. But I'm not left to think about it long. She walks down in her underwear. I blush fiercely but don't take my eyes off her. There's something different about her face. Her silver eye is blank and staring into mine. I can tell she isn't looking at me through it._

_Gault comes out from his room with a bottle in his hand. He notices her descending, rigid form immediately. He makes a sly crack at her. He moves in front of her and blocks her way at the bottom of the stairs. His language is more than a little suggestive. And I can feel him mocking me. My fists clench tight and I imagine her killing him._

_So I am shocked when she actually almost does. A gun rises from the cybernetics on her shoulders like a snake rearing its head to strike. Gault was quick to move. Don't think he'd have just escaped if he wasn't used to the feeling you are about to be shot dead. Instead, blaster bolt just scorches the wall opposite._

_She makes for the door and I realise she is about to leave. I'm at the exit in front of her before I realise what I had moved. And she is close to me. Her body pressed against mine. And despite the situation, mine responds. A dark and twisted leer appears on her face. Her hand is at my throat and I am no longer on the ground. _

_And all I can do is stare at her smile and realise that her constant smirk was just a light shadow of something dark and horrible. And I look long and hard into her eye. All that stares back is something empty and hateful. Know there's no point in trying to get free. My vision grows dark around the edges. Didn't imagine I'd die like this. Was aware of the possibility but thought it more likely to get shot down in battle._

_But then I'm on the floor. And Gault is standing over me, offering a hand. Even with the situation, he is more than a little mocking. She is crumpled and twitching on the floor next me, electricity clear around her. I am quick to run and get and tie her hands and arms. We carry her to her bedroom and Gault slips out. I tie her to the bed._

_And I watch her. I take her in. Every part of her. Never imagined her wearing white. Always thought her underwear would be black. _That's _all you can think about? Tried to kill you and all you can notice is the colour of her underwear? I shake my head. Fool, Torian._

_She's beautiful. But her body is decaying. I don't know how I couldn't see it earlier. Guess she made sure we wouldn't. Never seen anything as compelling and disgusting as what is happening to her. I know I shouldn't look. Get now why she was wearing gloves recently. Her hands are red and raw as the skin peels away. Yellow seeps out and orange scabs are around her shoulders._

_If only I knew I'd... what would I do? I can't help her. I'm in the room this time but she's just as far away. I can't do anything but sit and watch and listen. And wait for my cyare to come back._

I frown and carry on. Try not to falter and try to impress. I can feel her amusement though. Feel like a child around her. Few years and I'll be thirty. Know I don't look it. As I turn, weave, duck and twirl, I am aware of how much younger than that I feel. Feel ten years younger.

After seeing her in the Organisation, fighting other Agents and what she called Guards, I saw part of what she was capable of. But even then, they were only annoying flies. Wonder how long it's been since she's had a real challenge. Just watching, hardly able to hold my own against one, the way she had to hurry to protect me, made me realise she didn't need me there. She could take them on her own. So I don't know why she took me. Only got in the way. Don't think I'll be able to stop the nightmares for a while.

I need to get stronger. I need to be better. Can't protect or help her when I'm this weak. I don't deserve her, as I am. Remember listening to what happened to her. Felt more than a little and jealous and angry when she confessed to loving the man that betrayed and mutilated her. Didn't want to get close to her in that room. Knew it wasn't her. Still hurts to have the woman you love trying to kill you, though. Not sure how to move on from that. Guess that's why I leave in the morning. Found it hard to stay on the side of the room. Everything screamed at me to run to her side. But I didn't want to die. Think it might have been worth it though.

Suddenly, I feel something wet and slimy hit my cheek. I stop half way through a move and the momentum makes me trip on my own feet. I fall hard on my arse and wipe the back of my hand on my cheek. I look at it carefully and realise it's cereal. Didn't notice before but cyare is laughing. It's a high tingling noise, like charms in a wind. It doesn't suit her. Matches the girl she might have been twenty years ago.

I look at her carefree smile and smile. Doesn't seem like the smile and laugh of a woman that cries in her sleep. My thoughts must show in my face because her laughter dies and leaves only that twisted smirk.

'Not gonna be cereal a Jedi is throwing at you or milk shooting out of a troopers gun. You need to be ready for that. Real training is starting now, Torian.' As she speaks she stands up and puts the bowl on a bench and picks up another staff. 'We're starting with this.'

I stand up and pick up my staff. I make the first move. She makes the last. I'm on my arse again before a minute has passed. 'Again,' she says. I stand again. And again I' on the ground, face to the floor, her foot on my back.

'Again,' she orders as she kicks me over with her foot. She wasn't gentle. I frown. Makes her smile. 'Need to move like this,' she demonstrates. I mimic her movements. 'Stops people from doing this,' she hits hard against my raised staff.

'But not this.' And again I'm on the ground. This time her knee's on my chest and her lips at my ears. 'Let's do it again.'

Only one thing I want to do more.


End file.
